Criminals propose 'just scrapping' criminal justice system

Convicted criminals across the country have strongly suggested we should 'completely scrap' the criminal justice system.

Ben, who received a five year sentence just last week, is heading up the campaign: 'Its nothing to do with the fact I've just been convicted - that's complete pure coincidence. I've been thinking for ages we should just get rid of the criminal justice system entirely. I'm definitely right because all my mates agree. Pick-pocket-Paul backs me up, and so does Half-Inch-It-Ian. Whether I committed the crime or not is neither here nor there.'

Ben's mates have said they are 'horrified' at the current system which is 'fundamentally flawed' but couldn't really explain how. They are calling for Ben's immediate release and exoneration, saying that despite the mountain of evidence that he did commit a crime, scrapping the system entirely would override that.

This has prompted a number of other campaigns, with burglars unanimously voting to scrap security cameras, cyber criminals demanding we scrap firewalls and murderers proposing we scrap forensic pathologists.

Image: sick-street-photography | Pixabay

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First published 5 Nov 2021

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Louvre gang aims for first sub-four-minute robbery

The four-man gang who carried out the daring daylight raid on the Louvre say that, although the seven-minutes it took is a personal best, they are now aiming to shave at least one, two or even three minutes from their next job.

Gang member Gaston Leroi, not his real name, posted on social media: 'The sub-four-minute heist has long been the goal of museum and gallery thieves, ever since Roger Bannister broke the four-minute barrier in Oxford in 1954 with three stolen textbooks from Blackwell’s stuffed down his shorts.'

Police believe the thieves are likely to have retreated to their training ground deep in the French countryside, and are asking farmers to keep an eye on any outbuildings. The gang has said they are happy to undergo a drugs test to prove they did not use any performance enhancing substances during the Louvre raid. 'Thieves who do that are cheating,' Leroi added. 'It’s dishonest.'

Meanwhile, the truck that carried the mechanical ladder has received a €100 parking ticket and there is continuing disagreement over who will pay. The museum has scribbled ‘Sarkozy to cover’ on a note underneath one of the wipers.

Image credit: Benh LIEU SONG, Wikimedia Commons, licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0

US criminals queueing up to join National Guard

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