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Number 10 Downing Street says, “Nothing to do with me."


Following a plethora of sleaze, corruption and party scandals levelled at Number 10, the building itself has spoke to distance itself from those who live and work within its walls.


'You have to separate Me, Number 10, a rather splendid 17th Century town house, from ‘Number 10’, the less than splendid, festering sores that are currently giving me such a bad name.' it explained.


'When fingers are pointed at ‘Number 10’, that’s not me. Unless they’re tourists, in which case they probably will be pointing fingers, cameras and phones at me. But when they mention on the news, "the noises coming from Number 10", they do mean some dickhead downstairs who has opened his gob, not my aching 350-year-old joints.'


Such is the dissatisfaction that Number 10 is feeling right now, it is considering moving out. Although Number 11 has said it can’t see that happening immediately as over the years they have become very attached.





Porcelain figurine industry in turmoil as wholesale price of tat skyrockets


The porcelain figurine industry, essential for the domestic fancy glass cabinet market, is in turmoil after the wholesale price of tat skyrocketed. Figurine sector analysts, who are probably the most anal analysts in the world, have confirmed that the key material which goes into the fabrication of objet pas d'art has increased in price threefold over recent months. Oh the humanity.


The industry regulator, Oftat, blamed the government for introducing a price cap on what customers pay for figurines. The government absolved itself of all responsibility saying, 'No one could have seen this coming.' When that argument was easily smashed to smithereens, the government shifted its position to

pointing the finger at Larry the Downing Street Cat because everyone knows cats are always to blame when precious things come crashing down.


But the analysts remain adamant that the price has been artificially inflated by an evil dictator who runs a warehouse in Margate. 'After breaking up the monopolistic control of the original nationalised industry, the UK figurine market was poorly reconstructed on false ideologies of private competition. But the government then left the door wide open to complete monopolistic control from an external operator with the power to turn off the entire tat pipeline.'


'The situation as it stands right now is precariously balanced and extremely fragile.'


photo: https://pixabay.com/users/stux-12364/





"Shambling incompetence is the new normal" announces Downing Street

Updated: Dec 19, 2021


A Government spokesman has reiterated that Boris Johnson is well and working normally and the public had better "get used to car impressions, Peppa Pig stories and long periods of near silence with muttered swearing."


With a wistful mood, the spokesman continued; "I can remember going into country pubs in the 1970s and there was often a semi-coherent bleary-eyed bloke sitting in the corner talking about French seagulls or something, so it's quite nostalgic for someone like that to be prime-minister."


"I know it would be more reassuring if the Prime Minister was bravely battling a bad cold to give a speech, but he's actually fine and this is what he does now."






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