Quintuple A Stars for Quentins and Tarquins everywhere

The wealthy parents of privileged children have been posting insufferable guff on Instagram as A level results are published in England, #deserved #blessed

Many of the schools that those children were sent to have annual fees in the tens of thousands of pounds - thus, for tax purposes, these schools pretend to be charities. Meanwhile, children from underprivileged backgrounds who achieve even better results can look forward to being unable to afford the cost of university.

Tabloid photo editors confirmed that they were only looking for 'posh leggy blondes, either jumping or hugging', for their front pages, with one hack noting 'some of those fine fillies can aspire to becoming the wives of the stockbrokers, management consultants and Tory MPs of the future. Huzzah! '

Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash

Teacher finally concludes whose time was wasted

Brendan Leach, a school maths teacher for twenty-three years has finally worked out that, actually, it was his own time he'd been wasting.

'Teacher training consisted of three years learning when it was appropriate to touch a student - never - and to learn parrot-fashion how to conclude "it's your time you're wasting". There was a bit about Pythagoras, decimal multiplication and fractions, but nothing about the real tools for teaching, such as the "spoon of learning",' he said today.

'The "spoon of learning" is the only way to achieve grade A* results that allow the school to keep its funding and teachers their sanity,' he added. He demonstrated by pulling a spoon out of his tweed jacket's top pocket and inserting it in your reporter's mouth. 'That traditionally is how you get a C,' he said. Holding the spoon away from the reporter he added, 'and if you wanted to get a B, in the old days, students would have to walk towards the spoon, do some of the work'. Popping the spoon in his top pocket he declared that in a 'fair and just society, those who wanted an A grade would bring their own spoon'.

'But today they don't need their own spoon, don't need to walk towards yours and if the teacher doesn't ram it down their little gullets he or she gets the sack,' he said. 'So, they can waste all the time they like, and still end up with qualifications that would have been unbelievable twenty years ago and could get any high-flying job they fancied as long as they had the gift of the gab and friends in the right places' he added.

Eton School was unavailable for comment.

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/steveriot1-6715269/

Forst published 27 Nov 2022

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Nation reassured to return to routine grade inflation stories

After the high stakes disaster porn of Covid, Trump, Brexit, Ukraine and Gaza, the nation was reassured today to return to the comforting familiarity of grade inflation stories.

'It’s like hearing the theme music to Wimbledon, or the Met Office’s annual prediction of a ‘barbecue summer’ that never arrives,' said one commuter, looking up from his newspaper. 'It reminds you that there’ll always be an England, and some things will never change.'

'I suppose on some level it’s not good that kids are getting an A grade just for turning up for the exam on the right day, and an A star if they know their name as well… But I don’t care. It’s just so reassuring to read that story every year. Whenever I see it, I know it’s time to renew my home insurance and get the car serviced.'

He then admitted that he always buys the Telegraph on what he calls 'fruity girls' day, a reference to that newspaper’s tradition of illustrating the annual A-level results story with a picture of the prettiest girls it can find opening their results, which he insisted was quality journalism and not creepy at all.

Image: PublicDomainPictures - Pixabay