Fake News | NewsBiscuit 8/263

Farage to be nominated for volunteering award

Sully
Oct 7

‘Volunteering is when you do something for free’, a spokesman explained. ‘For example, if I’m paid by the Council to pick up litter but you supplement this by doing some unpaid litterpicks – that’s volunteering.

‘We noticed that Nigel had heroically made speeches on behalf of Russia without being paid for them – most notably on 24th March 2014, 16th September 2014 and 12th November 2015. These were completely free of charge and definitely not treason or bribery or anything like that.

‘What a contrast with his friend and colleague Nathan Gill who took bribes for very similar speeches. Right there you have the reason why Nigel Farage is a true gent – helping out an impoverished neighbour (Russia) with no thought for his personal gain’.

https://pixabay.com/photos/coca-cola-trash-litter-horrible-5926594/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com

Jeff Bezos: Saviour Of The World

sketchly
Oct 7

The world has fallen prostrate at the feet of Amazon warehouse king, Jeff Bezos. Despite the best efforts of the police, various governments, parents, teachers, social workers, etc around the world, no one has managed to reduce gun crime, let alone stop it.

Then Jeff Bezos had a fantastic idea. Buy the James Bond franchise and airbrush all the guns out of the posters.

‘I’m completely shocked.’ explains Nancy Dempton of London’s East End. ‘I never would’ve thought. We had quite a lot of gun crime around here – not as much as there used to be but still, there’s enough. The police have been having amnesties and all sorts but nothing has worked. Jeff Bezos should absolutely get the Nobel Peace Prize for this.’

Not everyone is happy though. Donald Trump made use of a press conference about the situation between Russia and Ukraine to share his thoughts: ‘Guns are great. Aren’t guns great? Guns are great. Guns don’t shoot people – guns shoot bullets. Beautiful guns shooting beautiful bullets. James Bond – or 007 as I like to call him – we’re friends, you know that? Yeah we’re friends – we’re old friends. Go way back – I taught him everything he knows. I also invented his car that goes under water. You see that car? The car that goes under water? I invented that. So yeah, 007 - He calls me number one - 007 should have more guns! Bigger guns! The guy wears a belt – he could fit atleast a half dozen holsters on there, and he has pockets – he wears jackets. Lots of jackets. Lots of jackets means lots of pockets. One gun in each pocket – maybe two if they’re big pockets. I dunno – are they big pockets? I dunno. Or small guns. Are they small guns? I dunno that either – nobody knows. Nobody knows. He’s very secretive about the size of his guns – always has been. I always liked that about him. He also has two beautiful strong shoulders. Two manly, strong, beautiful shoulders. He could easily have a rifle over each shoulder. That’s how you end gun crime. More guns than the other guy. Bigger and better guns than the other guy.’

And as if ridding the world of gun crime wasn’t enough, word is going round that Bezos isn’t done yet. According to his spokesman Marvin Tubbard, Bezos is now going to rid the world of womanising by also removing all the women from the Bond posters.

An international petition has already gained 200,000,000 signatures for Bezos to edit other classic film posters, to make the world an even safer, more harmonious place.

https://pixabay.com/photos/aston-martin-db5-james-bond-2736376/

https://www.newsbiscuit.com

Newsbiscuit: Best of September 2024

NewsBiscuit
Sep 5

September 2024

Labour have been in power for three months now, and the rhetoric about the ‘Tory black hole’ in the nation's finances is starting to sound like a broken record. If you repeat a truth often enough, does it become a lie? Keir Starmer launched his ten-year plan for the NHS, kicking any measurable improvements firmly into the second term. And he famously said sausages when he meant hostages. I expect he was hungry. The Tories remained very, very quiet, as if gagged. And enjoying it.

In royal news, there were two new TV programmes about Prince Andrew’s laughably bad interview on Newsnight. And King Charles was trying to kick Andrew out of Royal Lodge for not paying his rent and not paying for repairs. And still probably one of Andrew’s better months.

In the entertainment world, people were talking about the Oasis reunion tour and complaining about the cost of ‘dynamically priced’ tickets. And protestors chucked some more soup at Van Gogh’s sunflowers. Can you remember why? Me neither. In weather news, the Met Office said that the summer had been the coolest since 2015. Which sounds like the set-up for a joke about the Oasis reunion...

Further afield, there was another failed assassination attempt on Donald Trump. Donald was out golfing in Florida and narrowly avoided a hole in one. And four NASA astronauts continued to be stranded in space, rotating helplessly and unable to do anything. Like the Democrats. On the plus side, the Hubble telescope found a supermassive black hole. Another one. Keir will be pleased. And Ukraine and Gaza continued to be difficult territory for humourists. Sorry, guys.

Here is a selection of the top stories from September 2024. Click through to read the stories and see the author credits. Scroll down to see some of the month’s best headlines.

UK Politics

Scientists turn James Webb Space Telescope on Labour’s black hole

Ambitious young Tories vie to be next leader but one

Starmer quickest PM to become grey haired old bastard

Mobile phones will enable people to X-ray themselves and other proposed NHS reforms

"Leave NHS overhaul to us," chuckle management consultants

US Politics

Six assassins die in crossfire while trying to kill Trump

Dressing Trump as a schoolboy would give shooters a chance

Royal News

New BAFTA award - Best Dramatisation of Prince Andrew Interview

Prince Andrew launches York Riviera Orchard brand