Sunak trying to find worst time to have an election

The prime-minister, Rishi Sunak, is believed to be working with senior party officials to try and find the "sweet spot" date which will ensure a massive loss.

Ministers have privately confirmed the story and explained that it was "force of habit".

One ex-minister, who wished to remain anonymous but ticked the wrong box and is actually Chris Grayling, explained; "He's on a bit of a roll; as everything he's done has turned out to be a disaster, he's assuming that's what he does now. He's created an inner cabinet of very unlucky people; Ron Jenkins, who's house burnt down in the same week as his wife left him and then she won the lottery. Russell Brand's agent, Nigel Farage's bank manager, the head of the Ukrainian tourism board and the guy behind Betamax. "

One possible date is the 30th February.

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Exclusive: Johnson tells the truth

In a staggering exclusive, we can reveal reports are circulating that feckless oddball and utter buffoon, Boris Johnson, has told the truth in what's believed to be the first time ever.

Details are sketchy but apparently the former PM (nope, me neither) was asked by a rough sleeper in The Strand, "Here, you're that Boris Johnson, aint'cha, mate?'

At first the charge was vehemently denied and it was only when the down and out offered to buy him a coffee at a nearby Starbuck's, Johnson replied, 'Coffee, eh? Spiffing. Actually, I've had no brekker and I'm famished. Fwuff fiffle foo-yee-ah. Tell you what, I'll have a Pumpkin Spice Latte with three Pain au Chocolat. And yes, well spotted, I'm Boris Johnson.'

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NASA retrieves asteroid sample, but gets sued for theft

An alien is beginning legal action against NASA, after a probe to the asteroid Bennu collected a sample and then returned it to Earth.

Zuflaxizog said 'Stole a sample I think you'll find. I had just finished renovating my summer house and that probe has made a complete mess of my garden. Mrs Zuflaxizog is not pleased. You have a cheek calling Bennu the most dangerous rock in the Solar System, when Suella Braverman lives on your one. Going to a new world and stealing stuff - it's all a bit British Museum, isn't it?'

Zuflaxizog added 'I felt a great disturbance, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. So either a planet has been destroyed or the Met Police have been violently kettling a peaceful demonstration, Suella-style.'

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