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NHS strikes ‘caused by applause going to their heads’


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NHS workers were “encouraged” to strike for more pay after a grateful nation “unwisely” applauded them every Thursday during the pandemic, according to a government spokesman.


‘It’s like with actors,’ said the spokesman. ‘People lionise them and then they won’t get out of bed for less than ten grand. It was a mistake to bang saucepans and applaud these people. They need keeping in their place’.


The Conservative Party will launch its new campaign slogan “Keeping Britain in its Place” next week, which will highlight the importance of only applauding company directors.


‘Everything we have – the food in your belly, the clothes on your back, that rather grubby car – comes from wealthier people - better people - letting it trickle down. We want everybody to stand on their doorsteps every Thursday and applaud the people who really make Britain great,' said the spokesman. 'And then get back to work.'



Snooker's links to Big Oil exposed


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Rumoured links between the green baize and the black gold have been thrown into orange powdery relief by Just Stop Oil's protest, as they interrupted the World Snooker Championships.


Stories about Steve Davis laughing whilst pouring oil onto sea birds and Stephen Hendry killing orang-utans gangland execution style have abounded for years. Ronnie O'Sullivan is apparently a notorious dolphin hater, whilst Mark Selby only feels truly alive setting wildfires in areas of outstanding natural beauty. John Higgins' extensive logging of the Amazon is said to be motivated only by the desire to watch it all burn.


Snooker fan Naveed Nasir said, 'I'm here for some grindingly attritional safety battles and an afternoon nap, not colourful protest.'


Conspiracy theorist Rachel Rutherford whispered, 'Oil is black and what colour is the highest value ball in snooker? That cannot be a coincidence.'



Royal coaches waiting up to 40 hours to discharge their royals


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The Royal family have accused members of the Royal family of 'palace blocking', leading to gold plated royal coaches being parked up outside palaces for up to 40 hours.


'One cannot occupy a 60 room palace when one's brother and ex-wife, or one's ginger-haired grandson are still in residence,' said an anonymous insider today.


Palace blocking is thought to be linked to Royal List payments. 'It's all very well the country standing on their doorsteps clapping as one is driven past, waving,' said the anonymous source, 'but that doesn't pay one's bills. It's no wonder one is reduced to serving quiche at one's coronation banquet,' he added.



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