Westminster Job Centre wants to know date of General Election

‘It’s just good capacity planning’, Jeff Rogers told us. Jeff is the Manager at Westminster JobCentre.

‘We’re expecting an extra 300 unemployed people with receding chins the day after the General Election. I’m hoping they’ll register in their own constituencies but some of them spend all their time down here, doing coke and shagging. If you’ve ever seen Shameless, think of that but with suits.

‘The last possible date for a General Election would be 28th January 2025’ he continued. ‘Just as brides set their wedding date to avoid being on the blob, prime ministers are allowed to call an earlier election date to coincide with a period of economic stability or general national confidence. So January 28th it is’, he declared. ‘I’m booking that week off’.

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Sunak trying to find worst time to have an election

The prime-minister, Rishi Sunak, is believed to be working with senior party officials to try and find the "sweet spot" date which will ensure a massive loss.

Ministers have privately confirmed the story and explained that it was "force of habit".

One ex-minister, who wished to remain anonymous but ticked the wrong box and is actually Chris Grayling, explained; "He's on a bit of a roll; as everything he's done has turned out to be a disaster, he's assuming that's what he does now. He's created an inner cabinet of very unlucky people; Ron Jenkins, who's house burnt down in the same week as his wife left him and then she won the lottery. Russell Brand's agent, Nigel Farage's bank manager, the head of the Ukrainian tourism board and the guy behind Betamax. "

One possible date is the 30th February.

Polling Station Poll Election Day - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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Secret Tory election campaign says if you vote Labour you will catch gay

Ahead of the next general election, the Conservatives are already laying the groundwork to dissuade the electorate from voting for other parties. The campaign is called Stop The Votes.

Downing Street spokes-fiend Bernard Hythe-Bonner said, 'Well, we've not won many friends in recent years, so few people trust us to continue in government. All we can really do is have a bit of a giggle petrifying as many as possible into believing anyone else they're thinking of voting for would be even worse than us.

'To that end, shady overseas targeting companies have been slipped millions in taxpayer funds to identify the most gullible members of British society, sneakily drip-feeding them outrageous untruths via their social media about opposition parties and their politicians.

'It is all absolutely legal and above board for us to do this,' continued Hythe-Bonner. 'Partly because our Democracy Research Group ensured there are no specific laws preventing us from knowingly fabricating lies and saying whatever we want, and partly because we've performed a little dentistry on the Electoral Commission, if you know what I mean.

'The worst they can do is fine us £70,000, which is actually an incentive for us to conduct the most heinous electoral fraud we can concoct. The way we see it, that's a pittance to pay to ensure we are victorious again at the next election. We'd be fools not to.

'When online, the most pliable-minded will be exposed to untraceable material which scares them with messages like: "If you vote Labour, you will catch gay", "Keir Starmer was Jimmy Savile's butler", and "A vote for Labour is a vote for tofu eating wokerati who will force you to install gender neutral toilets in your own home".

'Of course, all toilets in people's homes are already gender neutral, but as long as people are still furious about immigrants coming over here and being all immigranty, then they're not being furious about us raiding the public purse for our own private helicopters.'

Image: WOKANDAPIX - Pixabay

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