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Labour to make 'Sound of silence' their campaign anthem


Labour intern Marianne Morrison said 'All Labour need to win the next election is watch the Tories punch themselves in the face, shoot themselves in the foot and roundhouse kick themselves in the groin. That is unless the AI that powers Keir Starmer suddenly announces he's really into dogging. We have to have a plan.'


Morrison opened the viewing window to a soundproof room, where a suited man sat in an armchair, wearing a VR headset.


'It's the Manchurian Candidate meets the Truman Show. Keir-isma believes he's running a vigorous campaign, meeting real people and taking the tough questions from Kuenssberg. However that is only happening in virtual reality. In actual reality, we're keeping him safe in this room, tucked away from the nasty electorate and real world gaffes.'


'We say nothing, do nothing and promise nothing. Starmer-bot for the win!'




Public consider letting Penny Mordaunt continue as sole Conservative MP



After Penny Mordaunt's impressive sword carrying skills were displayed during the King's coronation, opinion polls suggest that she might be the sole Tory MP who could get in at the next general erection.


"Lord luv 'er", said "Honest" Tommy Atkins of the East End, "We woz wondering if we should let Chris Grayling back in, just for the laughs. But when I claps my peepers on Penny holding that sparkly sword, especially after 'er pulling it out of that bleedin' stone, I had certain feelings and I decided keeping her in the house might help me...er, if you could excuse me for a mo."


H/T Sully




Lib Dems unsure which foot to shoot themselves in



With the opinion polls suggesting the Conservatives are heading for a fall at the next General Election, and Labour likely to end up with somewhere between a narrow and a wide majority, the Liberal Democrats have found themselves on an election war-footing.


'It's easier when you have no hope,' wailed one Lib Dem potential candidate. 'All you have to do is book some leave before the election, knock on lots of doors, mumble "don't really know" to lots of arcane questions such as "what are you going to do about Brexit?" and then lose your deposit. It's a hobby, doesn't actually cost that much and you don't have to have an awkward conversation with your employer on election day,' he said.


'Now we're being talked up. Some are suggesting that instead of languishing in fourth place in the next parliament we could be - er - still in fourth place but a little further up the ladder. The one thing we do really well at this point in the election cycle is shooting ourselves in the foot, but this time nobody knows which foot to shoot ourselves in.


'Best we try both - but we'll probably still miss,' he grumbled






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