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MPs hoping to get big, gold medals for lying


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Now that a substantial number of serving MPs are staring down the barrel of a pantomime gun with a banner hanging down saying 'P45' where trationally 'bang' would go, they are deciding on 'micro-qualifications' to help enable them to re-enter the job market, and medals for service have been suggested. Many of these MPs, who appear to be mainly supportive of right wing ideology, are finding potential employers have difficulty in determining what their skill sets actually are. Much like the electorate now, apparently.


One MP who is certain his tenure in the House of Commons is coming to an end said today, 'they agree I can talk about stuff, can be scathing about people who are in unfortunate positions and accept I want a big budget wage, but most have the head of HR job filled and don't need any more bastards in their organisations,' he pointed out.


Another commented on the medals, hoping they were to be made from pure gold and would be the size of dustbin lids, but privately just hoped the wads of notes in brown paper packages would continue to be pushed through his front door every thursday after he loses his seat. 'It's not like £84k plus £200k expenses are worth the effort - it's the backhanders, innit?' he said today.



image from pixabay


Why not look at some of our books?


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New clause added to government fuel payments loan


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Tory scientists have informed the chancellor that each human body contains 0.2mg of gold plus numerous other precious trace elements. As a consequence, anyone taking advantage of the fuel loan is now obliged to sign a form that allows the government to melt their body down to extract the bullion it contains in the event they default on the loan repayments.


Babies under three months have more gold in their hair than older people. This comes from their mother’s breast milk and can reach double the average concentration of gold in Earth’s crust, so it's been suggested by the Home Secretary that the elderly may wish to babysit their grandchildren more frequently and hand them over if their pensions don't cover the loan repayments.


Labour has opposed this move, saying there's enough gold in human excrement for the chancellor to recover if he's prepared to rummage around in it to get his money back.


Panic buying returns up north as high streets run out of Frankincense and Myrhh


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There were chaotic scenes yesterday as dim-witted northern shoppers rushed to stockpile exotic substances for no apparent reason. Six elderly people were trampled to death and emergency services have been reportedly overwhelmed


‘Buggered if I know what Frankincense or bloody Mryhh is,’ said Beryl Hargreaves, an organic toenail painter from Pontefract. ‘Any road, Diedre at number nineteen said I’d best get some in, ‘cos you never know. So I traipsed down to the butcher, the baker and the candlestick maker, and the beggars had all sold out.


‘Lidl did have some own brand Frankincense come in, but the shelves were stripped bare in a thirty second stampede. The world’s gone completely mad.’


A spokesperson for the British Retail Consortium blamed the shortages on the supply chain crisis. ‘We have over thirty container ships stuck in the Sea of Galilee at the moment fully loaded with tons of pointless crap. Our thoughts and prayers at this sad time are with the idiots and the families of idiots who decided to go out and buy stuff they don’t really need.






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