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Government records show migrant crisis started in 1940


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A spokesman for Home Secretary Suella Braverman has defended the Home Secretary's approach to 'illegal migrants' claiming grandfather rights, literally.


'We have evidence that thousands of migrants landed in the UK in hundreds of small boats from France as long ago as May and June 1940, and just like the jokers arriving every day now they were all predictably making a fuss about being persecuted, victims of an oppressive state, escaping tyranny, yada yada yada; but when you drill down into the details they were predominantly young males and many even had the gall to be carrying weapons!


'We didn't do anything about them then and it's still going on now. We should have sent them back to bloody Dunkirk,' he added.




Coastal water skulking by British shoreline trying to point out illegal Nigel Farages


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Coastal water won't give it a rest until it has definitely spotted illegal Nigel Farages invading the British shoreline.


'I'm here every day protecting the English Channel and the rest of the world from illegal Nigel Farages,' said the coastal water. 'You saw my poster. There are millions of Nigel Farages who will swarm into Turkey, Romania and Bulgaria if something isn't done about them.


'Look. Look! There's one now! Quick! Get 'im! Before he makes a break for it... oh no, that's just a lifeguard. They're OK. Well, most of 'em.


'I was just up the Kent coast last week, and I saw one of those illegal Suella Bravermans. They can be even worse, you know. They've all got this dream, see, that one day the Telegraph will print a front page of them illegally trafficking people on a flight to Rwanda.


'And once, right, my mates spotted an illegal Priti Patel. But they pushed her back onto the shoreline and beached her.'


H/T: apepper



"Owl" and "Pussycat" to be deported


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A foreign couple who landed in a small boat were arrested yesterday at Bong Tree Beach. The pair, who only identified themselves as 'Owl' and 'Pussycat' are now expected to be deported to the Great Gromboolian Plain, as part of the Government getting tough on small boat refugees.


'I knew they weren’t from round here', said Pig, a local resident. 'They jumped out of their small boat on the beach and ran up to me, waving wildly, pointing at my nose, with their hands full of cash. Well, lots of people have nose rings these days, even F1 drivers, and that’s when I got suspicious and called the authorities. They tried to spin some story about having been at sea for a year and only eating honey but I wasn’t falling for it. I’m tired of this island being a soft touch for all kinds of foreigners. Call me "gammon" if you like.'


Police noted this appeared to be a much better organised migration than other recent attempts, such as that by the so-called 'Jumblies', whose craft they described as 'seriously unseaworthy'.




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