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Nye Bevan clones ‘almost ready to resurrect Labour’



It’s the scientific breakthrough of the century. DNA harvested from Nye Bevan’s toothbrush has been used to clone the great man dozens of times. A coal mine has been secretly reopened in South Wales to give the young clones a suitably grim start in life. Four of the clones died in a hush-hush pit disaster which ‘thrilled’ Labour leaders.


“For a generation, Labour has been weakened by the middle classes hoovering up most of the top jobs” a spokesman told us. “We have plenty of poor people but it turns out that poverty alone isn’t enough – you need brains, heart, charisma. And, ideally, a bit of four-part close harmony singing”.


Labour HQ got the idea after watching The Boys From Brazil. “We wanted to recapture Labour’s lost soul”, the spokesman told us. “Or at least locate it”.


It isn’t the first time that movies have provided inspiration. Keir Starmer was created after a screening of Edward Scissorhands. “The technology just isn’t ready”, sighed the spokesman. “It’s a pretty good replica human with lifelike movements and speech patterns, but no heart. Also the charging regime means we have to stand him in the corner for six hours every night, humming away. I have nightmares of him running out of juice during Prime Minister’s Questions – not that anybody would notice”.


Conservative HQ has its own history with cinema. Their screening of ‘Wall Street’ in the 1980s became the template for the party’s economic policies, and more recently CCHQ staffers ‘bitterly regret’ allowing Suella Braverman to stay up and watch ‘Alien’.




First published 7 Dec 2022


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Labour thrills nation with exciting pledge gimmick


"This is the first Labour government that Britain's had for 14 years, which is incredibly exciting if you're part of the government," a Labour spokesman told bored reporters.



"I mean, you can't imagine the amount of free stuff millionaires are dangling in front of us.



"But the British public have really disappointed us by being so underwhelmed. It's as if they don't care any more whether it's Labour in charge of the country, or the Tories, or Daft Dave who sits giggling on a wall in Droitwich.



"So to get the attention we deserve, we are making six impressive-sounding pledges. And we are doing this even though no one will believe we can actually fulfil them.



"There isn't a chance in hell that we will make the UK's economy the fastest-growing in the OECD, or that we will get 1.5 million new homes built.



"However, we can put out a press release saying how dynamic and unflinchingly brave Keir Starmer and his team are for setting themselves such ambitious, reality-defying targets. Newspaper readers will spend at least two seconds scanning the headline to the story before yawning and going back to bed.



"It will also show the nation's political commentators that while we are incapable of improving the state of Britain, we are as good as Tony Blair's government was at thinking up PR gimmicks to look like we are trying to.



"Is Labour in charge now?" yawned a voter, climbing her stairs with a candle and a glass of warm milk.



"I thought it was still the Tories, because absolutely sod all around here has changed."


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