First figures detained under Weather House 'one in, one out' deal

A man with an umbrella has been detained in the UK's new 'one in, one out' deal with German weather houses. This has allowed a woman in a frilly skirt carrying a basket of flowers to emerge from the building.

The Met Office said those detained will be held under house arrest until the the weather changes again.

Home Secretary Yvette Cooper did not confirm how many men with umbrellas were being held, and said she was prepared to resist any legal challenges aimed at preventing their detention.

She said: 'It's the beginning of the pilot and we will turn our attention to cuckoo clocks, and those timepieces with figures like those on Trumpton, and Warmington -On-Sea Town Halls.'

Speaking about the first detentions, Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer said: 'If you bring bad weather with you, you will face being sent back inside. When I say I will stop at nothing to secure our nice weather, I mean it.'

Image: Wix AI

Allotments to be sold to settler colonialists

Councils are to be given permission to eject people from their rightful land. Allotments will be cleansed of anyone with green fingers. Keir Starmer refused to admit where he got the idea from, but he did say God told him to do it.

The 185 members of the UN has condemned the move, but the US vetoed it, saying all gardeners were terrorists. Meanwhile, allotment owners have referred to it as the Cucumber Nakba - chanting 'Free allotments, from the rhubard to the seed'.

Image: Kenan Kitchen (@kitchen) | Unsplash Photo Community

70s progrock band "Starmer's Function Creep"

The Labour Party is restricting something that has been around for 3000 years. No, not disillusioned Labour voters. Porn. New laws mean you must be over 18 to watch it, but you can, some might say, still be under 18 to experience it on an island with Prince Andrew.

An unforeseen consequence is that Spotify and YouTube will be censored, but Mrs Brown's Boys will not. You will have to submit all your personal details to access harmful content, a bit like electing Starmer in the first place.

Of course, teenagers will circumvent the system by using a VPN. While Boomers will confuse it with Visible Panty Line. The dark web is set to expand, which is great news if you are an illegal drugs start up.

So no children will be safer as a result, but we will have better access to a Russian blackmailer of your choice.

image from pixabay

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