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LibDems in talks with Larry the cat


MPs have expressed anger that Larry the Downing Street cat has been offered the position of chief of staff to the Liberal Democrat party. Critics believe the appointment will undermine the impartiality of cats who are constitutionally disdainful and aloof to human beings.


The leader of the Liberal Democrats, who’s name slips me for now, said: ‘When world leaders descend on Downing Street, Larry is either nowhere to be seen or he just sits in front of the cameras licking his backside. These are qualities we greatly admire. Welcome aboard, Larry!’


The news follows an announcement by Matt Hancock that he is to become chief of staff to the Care Home Association.



Lib Dems unsure which foot to shoot themselves in



With the opinion polls suggesting the Conservatives are heading for a fall at the next General Election, and Labour likely to end up with somewhere between a narrow and a wide majority, the Liberal Democrats have found themselves on an election war-footing.


'It's easier when you have no hope,' wailed one Lib Dem potential candidate. 'All you have to do is book some leave before the election, knock on lots of doors, mumble "don't really know" to lots of arcane questions such as "what are you going to do about Brexit?" and then lose your deposit. It's a hobby, doesn't actually cost that much and you don't have to have an awkward conversation with your employer on election day,' he said.


'Now we're being talked up. Some are suggesting that instead of languishing in fourth place in the next parliament we could be - er - still in fourth place but a little further up the ladder. The one thing we do really well at this point in the election cycle is shooting ourselves in the foot, but this time nobody knows which foot to shoot ourselves in.


'Best we try both - but we'll probably still miss,' he grumbled






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