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Windows CEO Satya Nadella explains why they introduced Windows 11


Satya Nadella: The numbers all go to eleven. Look, right across the board, eleven, eleven, eleven and...


NewsBiscuit: Oh, I see. And most operating systems go up to ten?


Satya Nadella: Exactly.


NewsBiscuit: Does that mean it's better? Is it any better?


Satya Nadella: Well, it's one better, isn't it? It's not ten. You see, most users, you know, will be using ten. You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your PC. Where can you go from there? Where?


NewsBiscuit: I don't know.


Satya Nadella: Nowhere. Exactly. What we do is, if we need that extra push over the cliff, you know what we do?


NewsBiscuit: Put it up to eleven.


Satya Nadella: Eleven. Exactly. One better.


NewsBiscuit: Why don't you just make ten better and make ten be the top number and make that a little better?


Satya Nadella: [pause] This goes to eleven.


(Hat tip to Spinal Tap)




Bill Gates denies Virus update



According to the Epstein Files, Mr. Gates may have inadvertently got some Malware and Femaleware on his dongle. The billionaire denied using his RAM stick with a Russian interface, but struggled to explain why his joystick was covered in weeping sores.


The accusations have seen Microsoft shares plummet, but antibiotic sales have increased. The Epstein Island has also been referred to as one big Teams Breakout Room. While Mr. Gates wife has divorced him, citing an unwelcome probe request.


An Epstein survivor alleged: ‘He came at me covered in thermal paste. He said he was mounting his rock hard drive, through the backdoor, but I refused to get involved with his sticky fingers and Hotfix.'



Image credit: Wix AI

Microsoft launch Woid for wiseguys



Tech giant Microsoft has released a version of Word, it’s best-selling word processing software for goodfellas looking to do fancy writing. Representatives of organisations with Sicilian heritage in the New York area met with Microsoft executives to ask a special favour, and make a nice software package that writes in wiseguy, just for them. Programmer Darius Melville explained: “At first we suggested they just use Google Translate software. Then they suggested they might translate caps from a 9mm into our asses. We got to work straightaway. “So now ‘Woid’ is ready for launch. It’s a fully-featured version of Word where any form of input is output in wiseguy. The software employs an intuitive detector to determine which key in a group was meant to be pressed if the user has unusually large fingers sporting heavy gold rings, or typing with a piece in his hand. “Text is converted in real-time to wiseguy using one of two modes of intonation: ‘With respect’ or ‘Dead to me’. Sentences are grammar corrected to include double negatives, and the space key function is replaced by six different ‘Silence’ keys: ‘Intense’, Knowing’, ‘Shrug’, ‘Shtum’, ‘Omertà’ and ‘Sleeps with fishes’. Praise for initial beta-testing was universal: “It’s freakin’ A” said Tommy Two Teeth. “Any stoopid, cockamamie, ugly, twisted, winky-faced, mother-f**kin’ semi-colon that shows up out of context at my cursor can now go kiss my sweet ass!”, expressed Angle-Grinder Paulie. Melville concluded: “And of course it’s free, as a special favour. But strangely, there were four frozen beef carcasses and a case of whisky found on Microsoft’s doorstep this morning, and Apple’s share price seems to be plummeting.”




First published 21 Nov 2023


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