- hokeyloki
- Aug 30, 2023
NewsBiscuit has discovered a set of lyrics in an e-mail trail, after being sent an email from the Home Secretary’s official account (followed by a further message an hour later from her personal email account saying “D’oh, please ignore the previous message”).
It is believed that the lyrics (based on a 1974 Hues Corporation hit) are intended to be sung by Ms Braverman at the next Tory Party Conference in October. As this may be the final Tory Conference before the next General Election, this can be viewed as an important part of a potential leadership bid.
Stop the Boats (apologies to Wally Holmes)
Would you like to know how I’ll get promotion?
Yes, you’d like to know how I’ll get promotion!
We’ll stop the boats
We’ll stop the boats, baby.
Stop the Boats
We’ll tip the boats over
Stop the Boats
They won’t get to Dover
Stop the Boats!
Ever since we got back into power,
We’ve hit the poor
Just like the rush of the wind.
And while we’ve kept the rich
Quite safe from austerity,
There’ll always be the threat
From Wokerati.
The Left is full of shit, like the ocean
We need speed and more awareness
To get true loco motion.
So, would you like to know how I’ll get devotion?
Yes, you’d like to know how I’ll get devotion!
We’ll stop the boats
We’ll stop the boats, baby.
Stop the Boats
We’ll tip the boats over
Stop the Boats
And I’ll be in clover
Stop the Boats!
Till last year
We kept up in the polls
And we’ve always had the right-wing press
To fill the holes
But now we need a big distraction
From our sinking ship
Don't drift away
Let three words come from your sweet lips.
There’s lawyers full of shit, like the ocean
And Rwanda’s failed and even Bibby’s
Stuck in slow motion
Would you like to know how I’ll get promotion?
Yes, you’d like to know how I’ll get promotion!
We’ll stop the boats
We’ll stop the boats, baby
[Etc., until you hear the music fade, or you get a “slitting throat” gesture from Greg at the back of the hall - which means “stop”, BTW]
A further suggested song based on the 1984 Mike Oldfield song Get to France (F*** off back to France) appears to have been rejected as “too modern” for the Conference audience, “without enough clap-along potential” and “containing a rude word”.
The Home Secretary has been approached for comment (via both email accounts)
"For pity's sake!" gasped Ahmed from Aleppo, sinking to his knees in supplication, "somebody let me out of this hellhole they've sent me to!
"I'm surrounded on all sides by concrete and high walls topped with barbed wire. It's rat-infested, and everyone around me seems to have a disease.
"And everywhere I go, there are skinheads - who I assume to be undercover government agents - threatening to throw me in the water.
"I never thought that Suella Braverman and the Home Office would be so callous as to chuck us illegal migrants into emergency housing in Brentford.
"Let me out of here, and I promise I will go back and take my chances in war-torn Syria.
"Or put me on that charming seaside barge, the Bibby Stockholm.
"There's less chance of dying a horrendous death in either of those two places than there is in Bibby Brentford."
Image: 16871531 - Pixabay