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Government asylum seeker death star is 'quite operational'

A large black disco ball with one side caved in has appeared hovering over the Kent coast. The seemingly incomplete dark sphere surprised many yesterday when it fired a high-powered laser beam into the English Channel.

'I didn't think it was working yet,' admitted Dover resident, Stacy Wade. 'But it appears to be able to pulverise anything it is aimed at. I think there is something wrong with one of its settings though, because it was only supposed to be targeting small boats. It made mincemeat of a medical supplies cargo tanker, and all that's left of the 2:15 from Calais is a singed crate of Stella Artois bobbing on the water.'

An unnamed hooded figure croaked, 'Now the forces of good will know the true reason for the black hole in the nation's finances. This death star will not be used merely to destroy the paltry vessels of asylum seekers, we will obliterate all Guardian-reading, tofu-eating wokerati. It is my dream to see a front page of the Telegraph featuring the smouldering ruins of red wall constituencies. Come over to the dark side, or face annihilation.'

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