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Prisoners literally game the system using Monopoly cards

Multiple prisoners walked out of HMP Wandsworth yesterday after a Monopoly Set was dropped by Chance from a passing delivery drone. Several prisoners used the “Get out of Jail Free” cards on a confused and overwhelmed Parole Board. Two more rolled doubles and ended up going free, one with bonus Free Parking, amazing in itself in that area of London.


One fraudster bribed a guard for just £50. To the guard’s dismay, the money wasn’t even real and was only printed on one side.


David Lammy was unavailable for comment as he was celebrating his £10 win on coming second in a beauty contest.


In response the Ministry of Justice has issued tough, draconian new prison guidelines. A spokesman explained: 'We've come up with a rather clever scheme. As convicted prisoners leave the dock, a security guard will accompany them to a holding area in the court known as the cells. There they will await the arrival of transport to bring them to jail. Upon arrival at the prison they will be shown into their new accommodation and the door will then be locked. Why no one's thought of it before is somewhat puzzling. What silly old sausages we've been.' 

 

Hat Tip Chipchase



Revealed: Horizon computer system runs prisoner releases

"After a thorough investigation into our pathetic tendency to release hundreds of prisoners a year by mistake," a spokes-revolving door for the Prison Service told reporters, "we have narrowed the problem down to our computer system.


"It's called 'Horizon'. Does that ring a bell?


"Every day, it spews out random names. Yesterday, it told us to set free Mao Tse Tung, Desert Orchid, Rick Astley and the Bay City Rollers.


"Once in a while, it comes up with the name of someone who's actually in one of our establishments, such as 'Hadush Kebatu', and we let them go - thereby obliging the police to launch a huge manhunt.


"Horizon was the computer system responsible for all those sub-postmasters being wrongly accused, you say?


"Well, in that case, justice is being done. Horizon banged them up by mistake and now it's releasing them by mistake. It's proof the system's working perfectly."



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