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The Ghislaine Maxwell revelations in full - world exclusive!


What, you want to read them again?


Oh OK, then, here goes.


Still not satisfied?


Well she did refer to the Fifth rather a lot.  Probably asked for a glass of water and a pardon.  Which, given the amount of dirt she didn't spread, is probably in the post.  The pardon that is, not the water.  She almost certainly didn't drink the water anyway once she'd thought about it given Epstein managed to hang himself with paper towels while the CCTV was off.


For those with short memories, here's the revelations one last time.


image from pixabay

Prisoners leave HMP Blunder for the Christmas break


HMP Blunder is breaking up for the Christmas holidays after a busy autumn term.


Its 347 inmates will be released by mistake to wander around deprived areas of London in their prison clothes until they are rounded up by the police and herded back to their cells.


HMP Blunder's governor, Eric Bungle, will oversee the end-of-term prize giving ceremony, when everyone will sing the prison song: It's the Most Blunderful Time of the Year.


Hadush Kebatu is to be given the Metropolitan Police Award for being the cinchest person ever to catch.


Justice Secretary David Lammy has been made Head Scapegoat, so that the Prison Service has someone to take the blame for its constant foul-ups.


There will be no deportations at the end of term because the Home Office has been too disorganised to arrange the flights.


HMP Blunder starts its new term in January, or February, or whenever the cops manage to find everyone.


It will then be welcoming several new faces, thanks to Mr Lammy's cost-cutting court reforms. They'll be people sent to jail on the whim of a judge after a jury-less trial, or having had no trial at all.



Ministry of Justice to implement new hard-hitting plans to deal with convicted prisoners



In an attempt to staunch the recent and highly embarrassing flow of prisoners being allowed to go free moments after having been sentenced to imprisonment, the Ministry of Justice has issued new tough guidelines.


A department spokesman explained: 'We've come up with a rather clever scheme, actually. As convicted prisoners leave the dock, a security guard will accompany them to a holding area in the court to be known as "the cells".


'There they will await the arrival of transport to bring them to jail. Upon arrival there they will be shown into their new accommodation and the door will then be locked. Why no one's thought of it before is somewhat puzzling. Gosh, what silly old sausages we've been.' 


Photo by 7500 RPM on Unsplash

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