Poverty pervert MP caught with hookers and tomatoes

A barely fictional Tory MP has been caught on film with several prostitutes and 40 tins of chopped tomatoes.

Before putting the ball gag back in his mouth, the MP fumed: ‘Cameron stuck his wang in a dead pig’s head. Boris stuck his – well to be honest I dread to think. There’s a shortage of cucumbers too, so you can imagine what he’s up to with those.

‘But I get one prostitute, OK three prostitutes, to smear my naked body in chopped tomatoes and all of a sudden, I’m a poverty pervert? It’s not like I’m into hardcore stuff like ketchupping. What’s ketchupping? If you know, you know… and I know.

‘Now shove that broccoli up my arse or get out.’

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/couleur-1195798/

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Worst performing motorway services to trial prostitution

In a bid to improve customer satisfaction ratings the lowest performing motorway services have been given the green light to turn on the red light.

A minister in the Department for Transport’s back office explained: ‘A recent survey highlighted disparities in the level of service provided by motorway services. We’ve created special ‘comfort’ zones at services that aren’t subject to regular trading laws. It’s similar to being served alcohol at 6am at the airport, only instead of a Harvey, it’ll be a Heston Wallbanger.’

It’s hoped that by providing executive relief to drivers, the knock-on effect of a relaxed state of mind will reduce instances of aggressive driving behaviour and provide a safer and more courteous motorway experience.

Services have also been given permission to utilise matrix signs to entice customers, with these messages due to be displayed: ‘Fantasising whilst driving puts imaginary lives in danger. Pull in after next junction’, ‘Long journey and partner asleep? Keep your motor running until next exit’ and ‘Clockweights like cantaloupes? Servicing in 4 miles’.

Prostitutes dismayed at missing out on honours list again

The hardest working sector of trade and industry has once again been overlooked in the Queen's honours list. Representatives of horizontal dance groups and other angles have expressed bitter dismay at once again not being considered for even an entry level MBE.

Strictly Dominatrix from Slough said, "During the last couple of years, we have been the hardest hit. I mean, our industry has had no support, and it's not like furlough has been laid on a table in front of us. We are front line essential key workers like any others, but we were offered no personal protection equipment, and not even a bump up the jab list."

"Our members have been risking it all out there on the streets, but we haven't had one peep of recognition for what we do. We had high hopes that our hardest working girl, Pumpy Breasticles, was going to be honoured for services to services, but she has been let down again."

"Our assets have been stripped bare, and we're clinging on tightly like our lives depend on it. That's despite the fact some of our girls and boys are better connected than Newmarket pub landlords. Phillippa Phuckingham-Phallus regularly tends to the needs of royalty, and Stiffy McWhip has had half of the Government Cabinet. Sometimes in actual cabinets. But absolutely nothing for any of us. It's a real slap in the face."