Richmond, Yorkshire to get extra bin collections in week 27

Residents in Richmond have been told to expect extra bin collections in the week the election is to be held. A member of the council told Newsbiscuit this was not going to put extra strain on council finances as it was being paid for by central government.

Opposition parties and Commie journalists are claiming this is an obvious bribe to take votes away from Labour and the Lib Dems, however our political correspondent has pointed out that Count Binface always stands in the seat occupied by the Prime Minister, so if that bin gets emptied, Sunak may win the few votes he needs that Binface would take from him and be able to cling on.

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Sunak instructs Border Control to attend House of Commons

Members of the UK Border Control have been seconded to the House of Commons to prevent migrants crossing the floor.  Labour have opposed the move, citing the persons crossing over have been subject to 'bad men', have been witnesses to terrible crimes and are fleeing a fascist regime full of misogynists, perverts and racists. 

The Conservatives maintain the people attempting to cross over are merely economic migrants, hoping to bleed the taxpayer dry for years on end, while offering no tangible skills to the country.

'There's no good reason they can't continue do that from this side of the House,' said a government spokesman.

Sunak "considering" closing stable doors

Sources close to, but taller than, the prime-minister have reported that he is considering closing the stable doors. Defence Minister, Grant Shapps, has said that an internal enquiry should be convened and it wouldn't be appropriate to comment on suggestions to close the stable doors whilst that was underway. 

"There are many options out there", said Mr Shapps, "Should we send nearby open doors to Rwanda as a deterrent to the stable doors opening? That makes sense to me. My head of department has suggested banging my head against them to check they're closed. I'm still considering that option."

A man who was kicked in the head by an escaped horse is believed to have changed his voting intentions to Tory.

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