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'Tory cigarette ban proposal is f*cking menthol' say Tories



Carlton Reid, a dyed-in-the-wool Conservative party member, is disgusted with the government's latest proposal to phase out smoking.


'I have been true blue for well over 120 years now, I would have thought,' barked Reid. 'We are supposed to be the party completely opposed to nanny state interventions. Hard-working, decent, lifetime retirees like me should always have the freedom to blow smoke directly into baby's faces if we choose. And their nanny's faces.'


Chief Downing Street strategist, top aide, marvellous adviser, thoroughly decent chap, good egg, and serial upskirter Calvin Ward pointed out, 'If we ban smoking, then there won't be any fag packets to write our policies on.'


image from pixabay

Tories will end the Sex Tax



Conservatives are determined to stop Labour implementing the Sex Tax, charging hard-working families £500 just for ordinary nookie. Extra for oral.


Some observers have noted that Labour have never mentioned a sex tax but Conservative ministers have pointed out that “they would say that, wouldn’t they?” which is surprisingly difficult to counter.


‘We believe in personal choice but Labour want you to eat broccoli and whack yourself off to the sound of D-Ream’, a spokesman said. ‘They want to tax meat until only the rich can afford it whereas we want to import diseased meat which everyone can afford’.


Other vote-winning policies include frisking schoolchildren for their mobile phones to stop them calling the emergency services when the building collapses. ‘Being crushed by tons of concrete is character-building, never did me any harm’ said one minister, before quietly enquiring whether there would be ‘openings’ for freelance friskers.




Tory Conference renamed ‘Gnashville’ after epidemic of tooth-gnashing over party future.



‘We’re tearing ourselves apart over which issues to tear ourselves apart over’ wailed one Conservative Conference delegate, as she queued for dental attention at the party’s first ever Anti-gnashing unit. There are so many hills to die on, it’s an uphill struggle to decide which to start climbing. We’re in the teeth of a crisis, and we can’t stop chewing’.



A team of emergency dentists (none of them taking NHS patients) was at hand at this year’s conference where vexed gnashing has assumed epidemic proportions. They gave out gum shields, paracetamol and laxative chewing gum. The lattermost is designed to relieve gnashing symptoms while helping constipated Conservatives (Constipervatives) faced with a bleak political future to shit themselves without rectum or gum damage.




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