Exclusive: Johnson tells the truth

In a staggering exclusive, we can reveal reports are circulating that feckless oddball and utter buffoon, Boris Johnson, has told the truth in what's believed to be the first time ever.

Details are sketchy but apparently the former PM (nope, me neither) was asked by a rough sleeper in The Strand, "Here, you're that Boris Johnson, aint'cha, mate?'

At first the charge was vehemently denied and it was only when the down and out offered to buy him a coffee at a nearby Starbuck's, Johnson replied, 'Coffee, eh? Spiffing. Actually, I've had no brekker and I'm famished. Fwuff fiffle foo-yee-ah. Tell you what, I'll have a Pumpkin Spice Latte with three Pain au Chocolat. And yes, well spotted, I'm Boris Johnson.'

Truth Lie Street Sign - Free photo on Pixabay - Pixabay

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Truth 'up the duff'

Truth has admitted that she is expecting a child.

Rumours abound that Boris Johnson is the father, even though truth is more of a concept than an actual person. The rumours do have some credibility, however, as everyone knows that Boris did always have a strange relationship with the truth.

Boris Johnson to adopt cunning strategy of telling truth

Changing strategies, Boris Johnson will now tell the truth about all the rules and laws broken by his constant lockdown raving, before moonwalking out of the Commons, shouting ‘party at mine later’.

Tory strategist Clementine Carruthers said ‘Everyone assumes Boris is always lying, so if he tells the truth people will assume that is a lie too and he'll get away with it. Let lying dogs sleep, and all that'.

After a recent 1922 Committee meeting – so named for when its attitudes date from – Tory intern Henry Hootington-Hurst said ‘Boris came in to the work meeting with a 4 pack of Fosters, and ripped off his trousers like Bucks Fizz, revealing a posing pouch bejewelled with the letters BJ. He said “These are both my initials and a suggestion. Anyway, you want my truth? You can’t handle my truth. And by my truth, I mean my penis.”’