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Britain to be broken up and sold for parts


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A spokesman for the business secretary, Grant Schnapps, has said he did ‘nothing wrong’ by selling the UK to a dodgy scrap dealer he met in a pub. The Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards has confirmed the arrangement was registered and is above board and hunky dory. Mr Schnapps said he chose the scrap dealer because he offers value for money to the British taxpayer.


Mr Schnapps was introduced to the man in a pub by a man hoping to become the Chairman of the BBC, Richard Shark. The would-be Chairman insists he did ‘nothing wrong’ and the Broadcasting Standards Authority has confirmed the arrangement is above board and hunky dory. Mr Shark said he chose the scrap dealer because he offered value for money to the license fee payer.


The scrap dealer will begin dismantling the UK by next Friday at the latest. He has agreed to turn a blind eye to awkward paperwork and all that EU red tape. He insists he did ‘nothing wrong’ and the Scrap Dealer Standards Commissioner has confirmed the arrangement is registered, beyond reproach, and hunky dory. Mr Kray's yard offers value for money to the British taxpayer.


A government press officer declined to comment as he was too busy removing the editors of the Daily Mail and Express from his rectum.



KLF sound cash inferno alarm as government sends entire UK economy up in smoke


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British electronic band KLF have criticised Liz Truss and Kwasi Kwarteng for torching the UK’s higher tax brackets.


A raging electronic statement from KLF with red hot keynotes lit the place up: 'It certainly looked like Kwasi Kwarteng was all bound for mu-mu land during the Queen’s funeral, but we suppose that balances out Liz Truss having the charisma, oratorical style and cold dead expression of a Dalek. Exterminate! The Tories are more fiscally irresponsible than setting fire to a million pounds. Take it from the justified and ancient ones.’


Economic expert Piotr Polkowski said, ‘It was only a combination of Boris Johnson’s era-defining levels of self-absorption and his inability to stop humping things, that prevented the Tory Government from unleashing such truly unnecessary economic suffering sooner. All aboard the last train to Transcentral. If you can still afford a ticket. Which you can't.’



Hat tip to sirlupus

‘Invading Iraq was Lionel’s idea’ reveals younger brother Tony

Updated: Dec 16, 2021


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Lionel Blair was responsible for the British decision in 2003 to invade Iraq, his younger brother Tony has announced. ‘I realise it was the most difficult decision my big brother had to make, apart from turning down a role in It ain’t Half Hot Mum’, the former Prime Minister confided.


‘Lionel and George (Bush) had formed a close relationship based on a shared interest in tap and jazz dancing and genocide,’ the New Labour veteran told a press conference. ‘I was busy working with George Brown on fiscal policy and with Una Stubbs on Give us a Clue at a difficult time when I didn’t have a clue at all.


Then Lionel came back from Washington having made the deal with George. I knew nothing about it till then. I remember it because it was the same night Una taught me how to do Three Men in a Boat with two hands, and just as I sat back exhausted the missiles landing in Baghdad came on the TV and Lionel shouted, ‘Ooh fireworks!’ which I thought was in bad taste.





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