Who’s in charge now? The current US order of presidential succession

This handy guide will help you to work out Who's in charge now? It explains the current order of presidential order of succession, if something were to happen:

• Vice President – Easily manipulated Tech Bro Yes man

• Speaker of the House - Easily manipulated religious weirdo

• President Pro Tempore of the Senate – A 92-year-old man*

• Secretary of State – Sycophantic loser who can’t look in the mirror

• Secretary of the Treasury - Sycophantic loser who loves looking in the mirror

• Secretary of Defense (War) – Cheating, alcoholic content provider

• Attorney General - Trump’s personal liar and eye candy – thrown out when Trump goes

• Secretary of the Interior – Billionaire climate-change denier

• Secretary of Agriculture – Incompetent empathy void

• Secretary of Commerce – A simple toady idiot

This list goes on to include anti-vax sociopaths and dog murderers, all of them sex trafficker apologists. If you need to know exactly how this list continues, then something is seriously wrong....

* He was around at the same time as Paul von Hindenburg, the second president of the German Weimar

Republic

Image credit: stablediffusion.com

Panorama releases more dodgy Trump clips

The BBC’s Panorama programme announced today it has some more clips of President Trump saying awful things.

The clips appear to show Trump admitting the moon landings were faked, confessing to being the Boston Strangler, encouraging John Wilkes-Booth to assassinate Abraham Lincoln and telling the residents of Pompeii not to worry as 'Vesuvius always makes noises like that.'

However, critics have pointed out that the footage seems very jerky, suggesting these are different bits of film crudely spliced together - an impression strengthened by the fact that Trump often appears to change clothes several times in the course of a sentence. Moreover, a lot of the footage doesn’t seem to be Trump at all, just the member of Panorama staff who does the best Trump impression wearing a silly wig.

'Guys, this really isn’t helpful,' said leading Democrat Chuck Schumer. 'What Trump actually says is awful enough, we don’t need you to make stuff up. It just encourages people not to trust what they see on the news.'

However, by the time Panorama had finished editing his statement, it sounded like he was coming out strongly in favour of the licence fee, and demanding Panorama be recommissioned for another season.

Image credit: perchance.org

1000 MAGA supporters score a collective IQ of zero in Harvard research project

In what's being seen by many as something of a blow to Donald Trump's planet-sized ego, researchers at Harvard University have revealed the results of a year-long project to determine the size of the average MAGA supporter's IQ.

Professor Stanley Unwin told reporters. 'Quite frankly, we have been stunned by the utter stupidity of these people. Collectively, the sample of participants managed not to even score a total of one. Thus making our control example, a registered intellectually challenged amoeba named Cody, smarter than the entire group.'

Meanwhile Trump took a break from fomenting World War 3 to tell reporters. 'This is fake research. My people are smart. They're real smart. They're the smartest. Fact. Everyone says so.'

Photo by Natilyn Hicks Photography on Unsplash