Samantha Fox scuppers US-UK trade deal

Officials are in despair and believe that a US-UK trade deal cannot now be saved.

Negotiations had been progressing, but had become increasingly difficult.

UK negotiators have explained that local food standards, while fairly lax, did not allow food companies to kill their customers quickly, although ill effects were allowed to accumulate over many years. They cited beer, tuna laced with mercury, and greasy food as examples.

The US negotiators accused the Brits of being very namby-pamby and nanny state about over the counter drugs. They championed the American system in which you can buy all the drugs you can afford in any pharmacy, and in which antibiotic resistance is just god’s way of telling you to invent new and even more expensive drugs.

These issues, and many others, had been chewed over and compromises found.  However, at the eleventh hour, the US side had demanded - as part of the deal - presidential access to former page 3 girl Sam Fox. The president seems to have developed an unhealthy attachment to Sam Fox after seeing copies of The Sun on visits to Scotland.   He subsequently acquired a full set of back issues and keeps his favourite pictures in the bathroom at Mar-a-Lago.

British negotiators fear that the Sam Fox issue is a deal breaker and a condition on which they cannot deliver.

A spokesman said, 'The US side clearly expects Sam Fox to look exactly the same as she did 40 years ago. But us Brits have never had the same enthusiasm as the Yanks for cosmetic surgery. Even if we could provide presidential access to a naturally aged Sam Fox, we are worried that the President might feel that he'd been fobbed off. And no-one, not even Samantha Fox, wants to fob off a US President.

Picture credit: Wix AI

By Presidential Appointment

President Trump has started a new endorsement scheme that allows products to describe themselves as ‘by appointment to the President’. The scheme appears to closely follow the ‘By Royal Appointment’ scheme used by the British royal family.

The President says that he is prepared to endorse ‘all American’ products, in return for a suitable fee and a lifetime’s supply of the product. He will only endorse one product in each category, to be decided by an auction-style bidding process. He plans to use the proceeds to fund his Trump 2028 campaign.

The first endorsement will be for trainers. The President is all out of his five hundred gold dollar trainers and figures that it would be easier to take royalties from an established brand. He has insisted that the winning trainer brand should produce special edition ‘The-Donald’ trainers in his trademark shade of orange, and with the tag line Run, Donald, Run (2028).

Other products likely to receive endorsements soon include pistols, revolvers, shotguns, rifles, semi-automatic rifles, machine guns, howitzers and bazookas. The President’s office has clarified that, in view of the amount of money involved, all of these products are considered to be separate categories for the purposes of endorsement.

Products unlikely to receive an endorsement include Trump Fruitcake, Trump Crackers and Trump Nuts.

Photo by NIPYATA! on Unsplash

Trump's transition team refuse to call it that

Fueled by culture wars and a lack of dictionaries, President-elect Trump has said he will refuse to transition. He said the trans community was a threat to the national identity, as opposed to himself, who was just a threat.

None of his cabinet would transition to government, and would resolutely stay in a camper van beside the Washington monument. Trump insisted he would keep men out of women's sport, and back where they belong, lurking around the changing room, offering spa days at Mar-a-Lago. An aide confirmed: 'Fortunately we do not have a gender neutral White House. It's always been men-only.'