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New Lloyd Webber musical to examine work in the gig economy


News has leaked of a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, said to be already in production, which promises to expose the insecurities and precariousness of 21st century work in the theatre industry.


Whilst details are sketchy at this stage, the new musical is thought to focus on the story of a group of lead and ensemble actors, and hundreds of back stage and support workers, who find out that a hit musical they were involved in is set to end very unexpectedly, and that they have lost their jobs.


'The first half of the musical opens against the backdrop of a global pandemic, with our hero, a theatre magnate thundering out a showstopping tune about how the show must go on, and how he will risk arrest to open his theatres during a lockdown', said a source close to Lloyd Webber.


'The show opens to great acclaim but then there's this crisis point just before the end of the first half where the same billionaire theatre magnate pulls the plug on the show, and because it's a bank holiday weekend, a lot of the cast find out the news on social media', continued the source. 'I know, the plot's a bit unbelievable, but its no worse than Love Never Dies.'


'It's got everything, zero hours contracts, rampant job insecurity, a rags to riches story (well rags for most, riches for a few) and an owner who once flew across the Atlantic to vote in the house of Lords for cuts to working tax credits', said the source. 'The punters will love it'.


Like Cinderella, it's thought there'll also be some surprises hidden within scenery - this time, a revolving stage door so that cast and crew can be dismissed even more easily when the time comes.




First published 6 May 2022


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Tickets for Paddington reach £2.4bn


Families hoping to see Paddington at London’s Savoy Theatre this Christmas are having to pay upwards of one million pounds for a ticket– and that’s for seats with a restricted view.


The best seats in the stalls are priced at £1000 each, while the seats at the front of the Dress Circle are selling for £2.4bn each, leading front-of-house staff to dub it Oligarchs’ Row. The much sort after boxes are priced like small countries. Fifteen trillion pounds gets you an unimpeded view, plus Veuve Clicquot champagne and caviar, or, if you’d rather, a small country such as Paddington’s beloved Peru, gift-wrapped and sent to the Kremlin.


The pricing of West End shows has long been a subject of debate, with many observers saying the rot set in with Cabaret. But that show’s top price tickets of £600 seems insignificant next to Paddington


A spokesman for Chunky Cut Orange Marmalade, Paddington’s producers, said: “We accept that it is a lot of money for families, particularly during a cost-of-living crisis. But what you have to remember is that you are seeing quality theatre delivered by a cast, a whole team comprising musicians and lighting specialists, all working at the top of their game. And don’t forget, our two-legged, sometimes four-legged hero, gets through a lot of marmalade.”


Ah yes, Paddington himself. SPOILER ALERT. Now some people are under the illusion that the bear is a cleverly designed costume-cum-puppet operated by an actor. But this is nonsense! Paddington is a real bear! His finest moment comes after the curtain calls when he climbs to the roof of the theatre to find a handful of avid theatre fans gathered around the air-conditioning vents through which they can just about hear snatches of the songs. Their seats are not restricted view; they are no view at all.


To their disbelief and delight, Paddington introduces himself with his customary politeness and then says: “Here, I saved these for you”, and hands them each a marmalade sandwich.  The experience will stay with them their whole lives, while the oligarchs are already invading another country.


Author: Jamie Dodger



Nativity play fails to reach West End




The East Walthamstow mixed primary and junior C of E school has had its Christmas nativity play rejected by every West End theatre, a report in Variety states,  Despite rave reviews on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday (Tuesday's reviews were mixed when Joseph threw up on stage and Mary got a right strop on) no West End theatre is prepared to bump their current productions off and host the production written by Carl and Lindsey Edwards, both early years teachers, and Sophie Jones, dinner lady, second grade.


'The cast have shunned their coursework and rehearsed relentlessly since the end of the last half term,' pointed out Carl, 'and when they weren't rehearsing they were designing posters for the production.  We've run through a year's worth of crayons on the assumption that cost saving would be attractive to a West End theatre, but no, they just aren't interested,' he continued.


Sally Evans, 7, understudy for the role of Mary isn't concerned.  'Rhyl Theatre has made a provisional booking,' she said, eating spare bogies off her frock, 'and once we've toured the north of England too the West End won't be able to resist booking us.  You watch, our nativity will be the highest grossing Christmas play next August,' she predicted. 




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