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Tickets for Paddington reach £2.4bn


Families hoping to see Paddington at London’s Savoy Theatre this Christmas are having to pay upwards of one million pounds for a ticket– and that’s for seats with a restricted view.


The best seats in the stalls are priced at £1000 each, while the seats at the front of the Dress Circle are selling for £2.4bn each, leading front-of-house staff to dub it Oligarchs’ Row. The much sort after boxes are priced like small countries. Fifteen trillion pounds gets you an unimpeded view, plus Veuve Clicquot champagne and caviar, or, if you’d rather, a small country such as Paddington’s beloved Peru, gift-wrapped and sent to the Kremlin.


The pricing of West End shows has long been a subject of debate, with many observers saying the rot set in with Cabaret. But that show’s top price tickets of £600 seems insignificant next to Paddington


A spokesman for Chunky Cut Orange Marmalade, Paddington’s producers, said: “We accept that it is a lot of money for families, particularly during a cost-of-living crisis. But what you have to remember is that you are seeing quality theatre delivered by a cast, a whole team comprising musicians and lighting specialists, all working at the top of their game. And don’t forget, our two-legged, sometimes four-legged hero, gets through a lot of marmalade.”


Ah yes, Paddington himself. SPOILER ALERT. Now some people are under the illusion that the bear is a cleverly designed costume-cum-puppet operated by an actor. But this is nonsense! Paddington is a real bear! His finest moment comes after the curtain calls when he climbs to the roof of the theatre to find a handful of avid theatre fans gathered around the air-conditioning vents through which they can just about hear snatches of the songs. Their seats are not restricted view; they are no view at all.


To their disbelief and delight, Paddington introduces himself with his customary politeness and then says: “Here, I saved these for you”, and hands them each a marmalade sandwich.  The experience will stay with them their whole lives, while the oligarchs are already invading another country.


Author: Jamie Dodger



Nativity play fails to reach West End




The East Walthamstow mixed primary and junior C of E school has had its Christmas nativity play rejected by every West End theatre, a report in Variety states,  Despite rave reviews on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday (Tuesday's reviews were mixed when Joseph threw up on stage and Mary got a right strop on) no West End theatre is prepared to bump their current productions off and host the production written by Carl and Lindsey Edwards, both early years teachers, and Sophie Jones, dinner lady, second grade.


'The cast have shunned their coursework and rehearsed relentlessly since the end of the last half term,' pointed out Carl, 'and when they weren't rehearsing they were designing posters for the production.  We've run through a year's worth of crayons on the assumption that cost saving would be attractive to a West End theatre, but no, they just aren't interested,' he continued.


Sally Evans, 7, understudy for the role of Mary isn't concerned.  'Rhyl Theatre has made a provisional booking,' she said, eating spare bogies off her frock, 'and once we've toured the north of England too the West End won't be able to resist booking us.  You watch, our nativity will be the highest grossing Christmas play next August,' she predicted. 




West End theatre to hold “tw@t-only” nights



The Novello Theatre in London’s West End has announced that it will hold “twat-only” performances of the musical Mamma Mia.


“The theatre can be a very judgemental space for twats,” said a spokesman for the Novello today. “They often experience unfriendly tutting and shushing from other theatregoers, when all they’re doing is taking a phone call in the middle of the show, or singing along to their favourite bits.


”There was even a case of a performer stopping in the middle of a scene and refusing to carry on, all because a twat was checking their email on a laptop.”


He said he was concerned that this unwelcoming atmosphere might discourage twats from coming to live theatre. ”Which would be disastrous, as we live in an age when only twats make enough money to afford West End shows. Imagine how far we’d have to drop the ticket prices if we had to fill the theatre with nurses and teachers.”


These special performances of Mamma Mia, which is known to have a significant twat following, will allow twats to take phone calls, check email, sing along and have loud conversations about cast members they recognise - “Oh, he was in that thing we saw, what was it called…” - to their hearts’ content.


Asked whether this wasn’t discriminatory against non-twats, the spokesman replied that anyone was capable of being a twat if they made an effort, and recommended several pubs near the theatre to get tanked up beforehand.


”This’ll have the added bonus that you’ll probably have to nip out to use the loo halfway through the first act, massively annoying everyone seated around you, a situation we in the business call ‘peak twat’.”




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