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West End theatre to hold “tw@t-only” nights

The Novello Theatre in London’s West End has announced that it will hold “twat-only” performances of the musical Mamma Mia.

“The theatre can be a very judgemental space for twats,” said a spokesman for the Novello today. “They often experience unfriendly tutting and shushing from other theatregoers, when all they’re doing is taking a phone call in the middle of the show, or singing along to their favourite bits.

”There was even a case of a performer stopping in the middle of a scene and refusing to carry on, all because a twat was checking their email on a laptop.”

He said he was concerned that this unwelcoming atmosphere might discourage twats from coming to live theatre. ”Which would be disastrous, as we live in an age when only twats make enough money to afford West End shows. Imagine how far we’d have to drop the ticket prices if we had to fill the theatre with nurses and teachers.”

These special performances of Mamma Mia, which is known to have a significant twat following, will allow twats to take phone calls, check email, sing along and have loud conversations about cast members they recognise - “Oh, he was in that thing we saw, what was it called…” - to their hearts’ content.

Asked whether this wasn’t discriminatory against non-twats, the spokesman replied that anyone was capable of being a twat if they made an effort, and recommended several pubs near the theatre to get tanked up beforehand.

”This’ll have the added bonus that you’ll probably have to nip out to use the loo halfway through the first act, massively annoying everyone seated around you, a situation we in the business call ‘peak twat’.”

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