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6 bullsh*t reasons for dumping sewage in the sea

You might be struggling to understand why water companies regularly spurt out tonnes of our faecal matter into rivers and the sea. Perhaps you’re worried it might be a bit unhealthy, or that these big businesses are putting profits before a healthy water ecosystem?

Luckily Sir Henry McStopcock, a water company boss is here to provide some reassurance with the top 6 reasons why they simply have to dump their dumps:

1. Too much rain - Britain is known as having quite a dry, humid climate so when it does rain a lot, our little old Victorian sewage system simply can’t cope. For us water companies there is nothing we can do but watch in despair as a frothy mixture of your logs and used sanitary towels make their way into the English Channel.

2. too little rain - Britain is getting hotter and hotter due to climate change and this can result in cracks in pipes in the decrepit old Victorian sewer system that us water companies have sadly inherited, and tried our damnedest to maintain. And when it does rain again, well, as I’ve just clearly explained to you, this is just too much, resulting in a few thousand extra ‘brown trouts’ in the River Avon.

3. Combined Sewer Overflow events - this is a fancy name for us dumping sewage into the sea., so I’m well within my rights to call these ‘a reason’, aren’t I? You’ve probably heard about them as Feargal Sharkey has been a huge pain in the ass campaigning about these - he’s like a floater in our social responsibility whitewashing toilet that just won’t flush away. As he sung in his most famous hit about sewage discharge: ‘A big turd, these days, ain’t hard to find ( a big turd). Huge logs, the lasting kind’.

4. Lorry driver crisis - us water companies have suffered more than any other sector as a result of worker shortages. Without effluent we can’t purify water. Would you prefer dirty water in your domestic water system, or human waste floating around the beaches and rivers you swim in? Neither, you say? Sorry, that’s not an option at the moment. The shit really is hitting the Fens.

5. Fatbergs - You dirty bastards chuck all sorts down your sinks and toilets and expect us poor water companies to deal with it . Did I mention the Victorian sewer and pipe system that we’ve had no time to invest in and develop? You all need to clean up your act.

6. Shareholder dividends - this definitely isn’t a reason why we haven’t invested enough in upgrading infrastructure over many years and why sewage is increasingly being spewed out into seas. What a load of crap.

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