Wild, spontaneous and not-at-all-choreographed celebrations have been breaking out in Russia, to celebrate the country’s victory over Gorbachev, the Kremlin-declared breakaway state accused of ‘going traitorously soft’ around the late eighties.
‘For decades we have sought to return this unstable region to the gentle bosom of Mother Russia, with negotiations and proportional incursions of heavily armed troops across its southern flanks,’ said an official spokesperson, waving a flag emblazoned with an hog-tied Gorbachev enthusiastically servicing Margaret Thatcher, Ronald Reagan and Satan. ‘This victory for morality vindicates the thousands of lives sacrificed in vain.’
A delighted Vladimir Putin, who in recent years had referred to Gorbachev only as ‘The Boy Wonder Who Must Not Be Named,’ pointing to the Coca-Cola splash mark on his forehead as evidence of slothful Western decadence, even went so far as to crack one of his trademark beaming scowls, causing several low-ranking Executive members to immediately soil themselves.
While plans continue for a victory parade of phallic-shaped weaponry through Red Square, wasting no opportunity, the Eternal Potentate has already been photographed bestriding Gorbachev’s broken nonagenarian body, sporting only a buttock-enhancing leather bondage harness and grinding an icon depicting David Hasselhoff dry-humping the Berlin Wall to dust between his manly teeth.