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Being caught by Sting more of a relief than being caught by The Police, sobs Matt Hancock

Despite a series of increasingly unfortunate PR stunts, care home favourite, Matt Hancock, has managed to maintain his unshakeable reputation as a wet blanket. City PR firm "guru" and daddy's special little trust fund princess, Triplesec Montesquewd, sighed, 'We've tried everything, darling. First we paid off a pub landlord to pretend to be his friend. Then we trained him how to maintain a stiff upper lip, but he just wept like a pathetic commoner. 'We pulled him out of the public eye for a while to focus on his burger van chitchat, but if anything he became even more cringeworthy. After that we had no choice but to point out where the security cameras in the office were and send in one of our high class harpies. 'Nothing was really working, so we enrolled him at a special "man-up" finishing school in the jungle. After that disaster, I shrugged and suggested he just get into a fight on the underground. 'As a last resort, I called in Gordon. Although he's a valued member of my personal social sphere, you might know him better as Elaborate Sting. Marvellous musician, yet an even more talented virtual charisma coach. But silly Hancock panicked and asked for a sackload of cash. 'On the upside, the whole sorry saga has, shall we say, "inspired" 80s supergroup The Police to reform. They're releasing a new album called Special Measures.'

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