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Boris says people will have to sell their own grandmothers to pay for social care

Whether people live in Kensington (average grandmother price £1.2m) or Scumton in the north (average grandmother price £3.99), they'll all have to flog off their elderly relatives, announced Prime Minister and part-time note shuffler, Boris Johnson. In a keynote speech where he lost all the keynotes, Mr Johnson said that social care was jolly expensive.

"For example, it's almost as expensive as the Aston Martin that daddies next-door neighbour drives. That‘s hardly fair or equitable is it? Spending £300,000 spoon-feeding the nation's

old bats is not sustainable.

So everyone must sell their own grandmother's to pay for all this nonsense, and I'm asking the treasury to look into making them selling the dead ones as well. They must be worth a few quid, after all."

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