The cost of a good old British holiday is now so expensive that a house swap with the De Whistles at number 37 is the only economically viable option remaining.
Fuchsia Lipton from Guildford complained, "We really wanted to fly from Gatwick to Torquay with EasyJet. But a cockroach infested B&B with a shared toilet is now going for £2,046 a night, and there's a 2-week waiting list for cancellations. What the actual fuch? Are the cockroaches extra?"
Josh Lipton added, "We are convinced some people are stockpiling holidays just to stop others from getting in on the act. I mean, how can it be possible that the station hostelry in Crewe is fully booked right through the summer? No one in their right mind would actually want to stay there. Not even trainspotters like uncle Wilf."
"So we started eyeing up our neighbours' houses. The De Whistles have the only south-facing back garden in the close with a lean-to, so it was a no-brainer. We're going to do a house swap with them in July."
Leaning in, Fuchsia whispered, "They don't actually know that, of course, so don't tell anyone. They trusted us with their key to feed their kitties while they're swanning off to the Travelodge at Reading services on the M4. But they kept referring to it as going on their holibobs, and you can't let that shit slide. We're just going to move in while they're away."
It was not made clear if the Liptons were husband and wife, or brother and sister.