CIA hunts for saboteurs who greased aircraft carrier decks

The CIA believes that two expensive US warplanes that fell off a US aircraft carrier may have been targeted by saboteurs.

A US military spokesperson with a very, very short haircut admits that two navy jets had fallen off the USS Harry Truman. The CIA and military police are now looking into the theory that anti-America marxist communist sympathisers may have greased the runway deck, so that the planes could not brake in time, and slid into the sea.

‘Our pilots are the best of the best,’ said a spokesman. ‘And our warplanes are the best of the best. And our aircraft carriers are the best of the best. There is no way that the planes were affected by equipment malfunction, or pilot error, or overconfidence, or bald tires, or dodgy brakes, or anything. It’s all absolutely perfect, all of the time, 24/7/365. We have reassured the President that there are no trans people, gays, Mexican, Canadian or Democrats among the crew.

‘So, at the present time, our best working hypothesis is that there has been a gross act of sabotage. The slippery deck theory is the only one that makes sense in the circumstances, and we are focusing all our efforts on that.

‘We have checked the aircraft carrier deck for greasy substances. We have recovered traces of sun cream, microwaveable string cheese, canola oil, gasoline, WD40, badger sweat (weird), and KY Jelly.

‘We believe that insurgents have penetrated our defences and that these oily substances have slipped through our security procedures and were smeared on the deck right under our noses. It was a slick operation, and we are making every effort to find the slime balls who did this.

‘We will dry out the ditched fighter jets, and we have promised the President that they will be flying again soon. You don’t spend $60m on a jet plane without making sure that it’s waterproof.’

Photo by Michael Afonso on Unsplash