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Conservative MPs to be fitted with cyanide capsules

'It's a perfectly normal piece of cosmetic dentistry, nothing to be alarmed about', a spokesman said. 'Our glorious Leader simply feels that failure is not an option and will not be tolerated, and any MP who chooses to resign their seat should do so permanently. Are you listening, Nadine?'

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Nadine Dorries wouldn't be affected - she's a plant not a human. Nor would the ghouls loe Greasy Cat.

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