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New poll finds that most voters lie to pollsters

A new opinion poll has found that 93.77% of voters lie to pollsters, undermining the accuracy of predictions about election results.

We wanted to find out what’s going on, and we were also quite thirsty, so we spoke to some people down the pub.

Colin Dale, 34, said that he is canvassed by pollsters two or three times a month. ‘I live in a marginal constituency that has boundary changes, so all the parties are going bonkers trying to work out how they stand. The pollsters are getting to be a real hassle. I’ve had people at the door, people at the bus stop and now you lot. I could let it get to me, but I thought it would be more fun to just wind everybody up. I think that’s a very British response to an irritating situation.

‘The basic question is ‘how are you planning to vote?’. I usually tell them that I’ll be voting by post. Then, when they ask again, I ask to see their market research credentials. Then I ask to borrow their phone so I can ring up to check their credentials. Then I usually say that I need the toilet and take their phone with me. After about 20 minutes I reappear, drying the phone with some loo roll, and tell them that I’ll probably vote for Count Binface. At least I’ve taken 20 minutes out of their day and spared my neighbours from their annoying questions.

‘Email surveys are the easiest. I forward them to and hope that their accounts get blocked.

‘Political activists are the worst. They want to be your best mate and give you leaflets and stuff. They want me to confirm that they’ve got my support. I tell them all that they are a bunch of feckless idiots with no sensible policies. It’s a reply that works for all parties regardless.

‘Lying to pollsters is the perfect response. The politicians have been lying to us about all sorts of things, or treating us as idiots and not telling us out their policies. So lying back to the pollsters feels that the right thing to do.’

I ask Colin how he’s going to vote. ‘Buy me a couple of pints, and I’ll tell you,’ he says, ‘Can I borrow your phone to check your credentials?’

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