New Pope to ban Marriage
- DanWakeling
- 5 hours ago
- 1 min read
Couples across the globe in uproar as Pope Leo announces his first major proclamation as new pope: Marriage's will no longer be carried out or permitted by the Catholic faith. The shocking news came via a spokesperson for the Pope: "The Bible is pretty clear on this, it's Adam and Eve. Not Adam and Sarah, not Marcus and Eve, not Peter and Pete.."
The spokesperson continued in this manner for several hours before finishing with: "Just Adam and Eve, and they're long dead so no more marriages, even if one of you is pregnant out of wedlock. You'll just have to pretend you don't know and find excuses to drink heavily, like we used to."
Critics of the Pope are divided across the political spectrum, with the Left struggling to find fault given that it technically doesn't discriminate by gender or sexual orientation, and the Right struggling to find reasons to call the policy woke given that it's technically a ban on Gay Marriage.
One young groom to be who wished to stay anonymous had the following to say: "This is ridiculous, my girlfriend and I have been waiting for years for the right moment to get married, and now we'll never have our happy little family. Now I'm stuck with my wife and kids. What is this, China?"