The UK is heading into the longest recession on record because of Jeremy Corbyn, it can be revealed. Other malign effects of the man include soaring energy prices, rising immigration, high interest rates and there being nothing good to watch on TV.
“All makes sense when you put it like that”, said Reg, 54, a cretin from Hull. “I’ve never really thought much about the spacetime continuum, but everything was fine before Corbyn. Stands to reason, doesn’t it?”
“He might have a rapidly rotating black hole inside him”, a Conservative spokesman suggested. “Or maybe he’s a Time Lord. The details aren’t important. What matters is that Corbyn bends time and space in unusual ways. Interest rates, energy prices and immigration numbers are all affected by what we’re calling the Corbyn Chasm. Remember: a vote for Keir Starmer is a vote for a Dalek invasion. And they’re even worse than Albanians”.