Spokesman seemingly unsure which historic sex scandal he's apologising for
LONDON - A media spokesman has apologised wholeheartedly for the recent scandal where a beloved TV presenter has been found to have coerced unwilling viewers into compromising positions against their wills.
Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, communications director Gareth Loam, 54, said the organisation was “deeply, sincerely sorry” to survivors, whistleblowers, loyal staff, advertisers, and “anyone else who has been harmed, ignored, enabled, or accidentally copied in on the legal correspondence,” before referring to his iPad and admitting he had lost track of which presenter they were talking about this week.
“Let me be clear: we failed to protect the people we should have protected, and we protected people we should have shamed—er, failed—sorry, the grammar there is doing a lot,” Loam said. “What I can say with absolute certainty is that we take full responsibility for whatever it is they did or didn’t do to whomever it was, and we are committed to making amends to the appropriate parties as soon as HR clarifies the seating chart.”
The scandal, which dates back to the 19xxs and involves a former presenter whose name the company is “legally and, frankly, personally unable to remember,” has prompted renewed criticism over the broadcaster’s culture of secrecy and crisis management. Loam acknowledged that the company had “fallen short of the high standards we regularly advertise during programs about antique furniture.”
Asked whether the media company had knowingly shielded the person at the centre of the allegations, Loam insisted the company had “not protected anyone,” adding: “Except perhaps the person we protected. But that was a long time ago, and he...or she, or they...is no longer with us, or possibly still here in a consultancy role. I’d have to check the org chart.”
Loam also stressed that the company had launched an independent review, appointed a new head of safeguarding, and “put up a slide with the word ‘culture’ on it in a font we paid actual money for.” He said the board was “fully committed to listening to victims, amplifying their voices, and, where appropriate, issuing a second apology to the correct people once we’ve established who they are.”
“To the survivors: we hear you,” Loam concluded. “To the disgraced: we see you. To the public: we hope you’ll continue to think of us as a worldwide network that only occasionally has to apologise to a room full of people whose names we’ve been advised not to say.”
At press time, Loam was seen frantically Googling “historic sex scandal apology template who am I protecting.”
