UK train companies suspend all services after Russia's drone strike targeting Boris in Ukraine

'Russia's strike on a train which was reportedly meant to get Boris Johnson," said a spokes-Diesel Multiple Unit for the UK's rail companies, "has come as a wake up call to all us about the risks of carrying eminent former statesmen as passengers... and clowns like Boris.

'We are therefore suspending all passenger and freight services across the UK, with immediate effect, while we assess the possibility that Russia might be planning to strike trains carrying Sir Keir Starmer, Liz Truss, Theresa May or Harold MacMillan. Yep, the sleeper service carrying him from King's Cross to Inverness has still not arrived.

'Rail staff will be kept on full pay and high alert, playing cards in the canteen, until we have competed this exhaustive analysis and decided to get back to work again. There will be no refunds on tickets for cancelled services. 

'As you probably noticed, we don't actually like running trains and incidents this like give us a perfect pretext not to bother.' 

photo: newsbiscuit archive

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