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Afghan Jirga undecided on Strictly

smart money's on Ellis-Bexter, but is it too soon to give up on Susanna Reid?Afghan president Hamid Karzai has called a Loya Jirga, or grand assembly, to decide, once and for all, who to vote for on the popular BBC show Strictly Come Dancing.

‘This is a question that is tearing our fragile democracy apart,’ he said in his opening address to more than 2,000 Afghan elders. ‘Issues of sovereignty and legal immunity with the Americans, while of vital importance to our nation, cannot even begin to be considered while we are divided on whether Ben Cohen or Abbey Clancy should raise that glitter ball trophy.’

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Christmas perfume advert successfully deciphered

just buy it anywayThe meaning behind a pre-Christmas perfume advertisement has been successfully decoded for the first time in television history, it has been revealed.

An expert team of academics, working with some of Britain’s top code breakers and cryptanalysts, spent the last seven years studying and dissecting a pre-production commercial for this season’s must-have scent: ‘Labrynthé’ by Dior.

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Dimbleby tattoo: stakes raised as John Humphrys gets ‘intimate piercing’

nobody knows what retaliation Evan Davis has in mindThe playful spat between veteran broadcasters David Dimbleby and Jeremy Paxman has been blown apart after fellow political pundit John Humphrys appeared on live radio sporting a full array of metallic genital piercings.

‘It was like a piece of installation art,’ revealed a member of the Today programme production team, ‘special guest Rupert Grint didn’t know where to put himself – mind you, neither did John after all that.’

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Men who live with their parents slam latest Call of Duty as ‘nothing like war’

mum still needed to supply the rationsThousands of men who live with their parents have criticised the latest instalment of the hugely successful Call of Duty franchise today, claiming the game ‘lacks the reality of real, hardcore modern combat’.

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Hundreds of pictures ‘looted’ from Year Two discovered by teacher of Year Five

parents paying good money for thatThey are some of the most treasured artworks ever to have been created. Classics such as Cheryl Smythe’s ‘banch of FlOwaS’ (sic), described by dealers as ‘Acrylic on sugar paper’, a vibrant and original work measuring 14 centimetres by 10 centimetres, it was among those discovered among an ‘amazing’ hoard of art works in a forgotten cupboard of the medical room of St Saviours Primary School, near Bromley. Year Five teacher Dave Smith stumbled across them when he was looking for TCP and a Little Mermaid sticking plaster.

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