From this week anyone found listening to Chris de Burgh or settling down to watch an episode of Midsomer Murders will face a £100 on-the-spot fine. The new penalties are intended to tackle the growing menace of people who choose the middle-of-the-road, often at the expense of others.
The University Clearing Service UCAS has confirmed a late application for a Music Technology BSc at the University of Bedfordshire from One Direction. Wary that fickle fame might desert them, the Anglo-Irish pop band admitted they needed to ‘get serious’ after what they described as a very enjoyable gap year. However, UCAS administrators had some reservations about the number of tariff points accumulated from the boys’ scant collection of mediocre GCSEs, used panties and coloured bits of string.
Not to be outdone by their neighbours from across the Pennines, the cast of Emmerdale have released an 18-song UK grime album entitled ‘Da Dalez’. This was done in retaliation to the rap video released by Coronation Street’s Tommy Duckworth, alias Chris Fountain, which earned him critical acclaim in the world of urban music despite him also losing his job his process.
A 22 year old man with ‘weird looking’ eyes and ‘sewn on’ hair claimed he is Britain’s first ‘Test Card Baby’, the result of a long standing on-screen relationship between Bubbles the clown and Marcia Jackson. The pair were famous for their appearances on the BBC test card from 1967-1998.
In his 1987 autobiography ‘Still Life with Blackboard’, Bubbles the clown recalls how, in the early days he and Marcia had to perform the Test Card live. They did twelve hour shifts in a makeshift studio in Lime Grove, previously used to broadcast ‘The Potter’s Wheel’, a popular 1950’s soap opera which revealed only the actors’ hands.
‘People don’t realise, the Test Card wasn’t a still, it wasn’t a photograph,’ recalled the Test Card Baby in his book. ‘Whenever there was a technical hitch or Stuart Hall was on screen we had to be totally ready, at the drop of a hat to stand in front of the camera for as long as an hour, without moving a muscle.’
A formerly edgy comedian is considering taking part in a popular BBC 1 cookery or even gardening show, if asked. The comedian, known for the dangerous and illegal things he did with his mouth, nose and genitals in a meteoric career spanning eight years said he was ‘disappointed’ at the Pret a Manger lunch arranged by his agent to discuss the deal, but ‘resigned’ to a future appearing on BBC1 looking at a stately home or pretending to cook profiteroles or finding out how to de-clutter his house.