With Reform leader Nigel Farage finally admitting he received £5 million from a foreign/not-foreign billionaire donor, the betting industry is putting the odds to what reason will stick when the story eventually gets oxygen. 'Obviously he forgot he was paid £5 million,' said a betting expert, 'or he remembered but forgot that he was obliged to declare the donation,' he added. 'He might have remembered to forget, but that's at 300/1,' he added. 'Nonsense,' declared another be

As from today gambling slot machines in pubs are accepting wedding rings, house title deeds, and promises of “I’ll get it back to you with extra by next week”. Industry lobby groups have welcomed the changes, saying that for far too long the ‘pub gambling professional’ has been stifled by slot machines being able to only accept coins, notes and a debit card. However, charities providing support for those affected by gambling addiction say these changes will only increase the

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For centuries, kings have been subject to being captured in war, or kidnapped by ne'er do wells and held until a ransom is paid for their release. It remains a little discussed fact, that states are obligated to set aside an appriate amount of taxpayers' money for the event that a ransom needs to be paid. Newsbiscuit has heard rumours that Labour intends to use the ransom fund to restore the NHS back to its former glory, along with restoring everything else the Tory party tra

"A lot of people have begged us not to go," chief raven Odin told reporters as he leafed through a brochure for holidays on the Algarve. "They think that if we leave the Tower, the kingdom will topple. "But I reckon the UK's pretty much ready to go, anyway. The monarch has been reduced to some kind of court entertainer for Donald Trump. Britain's armed forces are no longer strong enough to defend a sandcastle. And Rachel Reeves can't ask for a single extra fiver from the fina

WINNER:Grandad, "drinking for two" is not a thing (sir lupus) RUNNERS UP: Oh, no! Uncle Fred is about to do his drinking from binoculars impression (lockjaw) Thank god we lost. Who wants to be a local councillor anyway? (deskpilot) Club 18-30 admit age vetting failures (apepper)

Putin's parade in Red Square will suffer cutbacks this year as most of his troops are busy fighting for their survival in Ukraine, in an easy-peasy 5-day special military exercise which has now been going on for 5 years. Mr Putin, however, has apparently shown no great enthusiasm for this cut-down 'Victory Parade' to be re-named his 'Loser's Parade.' https://pixabay.com/photos/hum-moscow-the-red-square-history-2210327/ https://www.newsbiscuit.com/

Claiming the £5,000,000 grift, sorry gift, was for personal security, The Supreme Leader of Reform spaffed the whole lot on state-of-the-art anti-milkshake technology: • Low orbit dairy drink detection satellites • A small portable Surface to Milkshake missile system • Paper Straw proof vest • Milk stabilisation robots, to slowly stir any milk rather than violently agitate it • Lessons in not being a racist bell-end – (unfortunately he did not any) https://pixabay.com/photos/

Aries Comet Cajetan-P45 features prominently on your chart. The comet is low in the heavens, signifying financial challenges ahead. These may be related to your job, your savings, your addiction to slot machines, a police matter, tariff changes, your overdraft, bailiffs, maintenance payments, unexpected bills or a tax demand. Or all of these at once. Taurus The mysteries of life all have a perfectly simple explanation so tell the truth to yourself. You know how the stain got

Much to the chagrin of President Putin, the Russian central bank has confirmed that it will be investing its capital reserves in leather trousers, tickets to Vegas and the albums of Kylie Minogue. The purchasing power of the gay community has long been established as much more stable than the heterosexual Rouble. Throughout the 70s Elton John was able to underwrite the entire British economy with just castoff sequins. Mr Putin blamed outside factors for the falling Rouble; in

A re-energised King Charles has returned from the USA and is setting about improvement work at Buckingham Palace. The east wing has been flattened and work is proceeding on a grand new ballroom, in a move that commentators have described as 'ballsy'. An aide explained: ''The King was impressed by President Trump's can-do approach to remodeling the White House, and by the way he has cut through planning bureaucracy. He seems determined to go one better. We heard him muttering

Jeremynh has had another stormer of a month, followed by the ever reliable Deskpilot. In third place with a comendable score is scottfutile, a relative newcomer to this site, Tbanks to everyone who pitched this month, regardless of whether you were successful or not. As usual all the published subs with links are listed below the leaderboard, then the cartoon of the month, then the full list of headlines published this month. Front Page, News in Brief and Features apepper H

Experts on humour have concluded that President Trump's sarcasm detection gene is absent. Professor Ron Jenkins of the Clacton College of Drollness, Buffoonery and Humour explained; "The gene is closely related to the 'irony' gene and we know that packed up and left years ago when Trump accused rivals of corruption. When Mr Trump announced that King Charles agreed with him about Iran, it's conclusive evidence that the President wouldn't recognise sarcasm if Edmund Blackadder