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‘All I want for Christmas is my two big boobs’ say UK’s 9 year old girls

Er...Girls in the 8-10 demographic have stated that what Santa must bring them this Noël is a pair of perfectly-formed, fully-grown breasts.

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Bank of Mum and Dad near crisis after Mum ‘attempts to float off Dad’

both sides need to recapitalise, and fast, before it's too lateThe phone lines of the well-respected Bank of Mum and Dad have been jammed by accountholders after rumours that the Dad side of the business has been in ‘secret deals’ with an allegedly ‘inappropriate non-financial institution’, with huge sums of the bank’s reserves unaccounted for. This has led the Mum side of the business to initiate a ‘float off’ of the more lucrative Dadbank franchise, and rumours that the Mum side might look for ‘temporary partnerships’ with newer, ‘more experimental’ institutions to ease the coming crisis and plan for future holdings.

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UK happiness rating downgraded by Moody’s

Moody's refusing to get over itIn a shock announcement, the measure of the nation’s happiness, the Wellbeing Index, has been downgraded by the emotional ratings agency Moody’s from ‘OK’ to ‘Don’t Ask’.

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America’s smokers mourn last man to make smoking cool

too coolAmerica’s smoking community is tonight trying to come to terms with the death of William ‘Billy’ Dark, widely believed to be the last man in the USA capable of making smoking appear cool, attractive and generally badass.

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Coming out of retirement for ‘one last job’ can be dangerous, says new research

give him back his winter fuel allowance and none of this would've happenedRetired bank robbers who come out of retirement for one last job run an incredibly high risk of complications, says Crime Scene, the trade magazine for professional law breakers, blaggers and briefs, which studied this increasingly popular trend.

According to its survey of 1000 criminals who’d been tempted back to do one more heist, almost all of them ran into dramatic complications which they hadn’t envisaged. Amazingly, in practically every case, the bank robber gets away without being caught but things are never the same again. Often their whole outlook on life is changed, and they realise something about themselves, and their relationship with their friends, that they didn’t know before.

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