NewsBiscuit

The news written by you…

LifeBiscuit

‘Squashed Satsuma and Some Walnuts’ is this year’s top Christmas must-have

extra nut to be included in next year's upgradeEager shoppers are setting up camp outside greengrocers along the length and breadth of the country today in order to be first in the queue for the release of this year’s must-have Christmas gift: a squashed satsuma and some walnuts.

‘2013 is the year of nostalgia,’ believes Julia Franklin of Frankiln’s Festive Supplies. ‘Nothing beats the magic, after tossing aside the rest of your presents, of reaching down to the bottom of your stocking, pillow case or, increasingly these days, bin liner, to find the remnants of a small citrus fruit smeared over a walnut. It knocks your Playstation 4 into a cocked hat – cocked paper hats being another top seller this year.’

Read more >



Lose a leg for us this Dismember, urges charity

A local charity is raising awareness of its cause by calling the twelfth month of the year ‘Dismember’ and urging the public to ‘chop one off for us’, it was confirmed yesterday. ‘It doesn’t have to be a whole arm or leg – just below the knee or elbow would be fine’ said a spokesman. ‘It could even be your little fella – we don’t mind what you do as long as you Instagram the panicked reaction of your colleagues when blood starts spurting all over the office breakout area’.

The Carshalton Pet Bereavement Counselling Service is asking volunteers to raise a minimum of £1000 in sponsorship to fund a joining pack comprising a small chainsaw, a large tourniquet, and a wipe-clean leaflet explaining how, for many, losing a pet can be ‘literally like losing a limb’.

Read more >



Princess Anne’s ‘Horses for Courses’ cookbook tipped for Christmas top spot

most revolutionary culinary tome since reintroduction of scotch eggsRetailers have announced their Christmas sales predictions today, revealing that Princess Anne has a ‘strong chance’ of reaching the festive top spot for December book sales with the launch of her debut cookbook, ‘Horses for Courses’. Said to be the first of its kind, readers will be treated to wide array of equine offerings, from ‘honey-glazed hoof’ to ‘quick and easy tongue sandwiches, straight from the horse’s mouth’.

Read more >



Customers who know the phonetic alphabet ‘not impressive, so please stop it’, say call centres

Secretly wishing boss would stick this job up his Alpha Romeo Sierra EchidnaCall centres across the UK have unanimously decided today that they are ‘not at all impressed’ by customers who are ‘smugly fluent’ in the phonetic alphabet.

Read more >



Market research company slammed for poorly executed ‘green eggs & ham’ focus group

sounds disgustingA market research interview to ascertain attitudes to the deli-counter staple ‘green eggs and ham’ was today condemned by its sole participant.

Read more >