In a breakthrough that could end the shortage of quality players in the English Premier League, scientists at Maastricht University revealed the world’s first synthetic footballer yesterday. Taking stem cells from two short planks they have turned them into strips of dense muscle, which when inflated with vanity becomes a fully formed midfielder.
Environmentalists are celebrating the success of an experiment to tap into the vast heat resources of menopausal women as an alternative to fossil fuels. Researchers now believe that the irregularities in middle-aged women’s body temperatures could present a powerful and renewable source of energy.
‘We’ve been sending out our specially adapted cars to take panoramic views of the major slaying spots for execution-style murders,’ said Kelly Preston, spokesperson for the global technology giant. ‘If you’ve got a bad-ass mother you need to silence, we can help you work out where to and how to.’