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Giggs to wear Fergie mask while he manages United

might try superinjunctions to block poor refereeing decisionsHaving been installed as interim manager of Manchester United after the departure of David Moyes, Ryan Giggs is set to allay fears over his lack of managerial experience by wearing a cardboard mask of Sir Alex Ferguson’s face when he arrives to take training.

One of the main criticisms aimed at Moyes was his lack of trophy-winning pedigree, which certainly cannot be said of 13-time Premier League winner Giggs. And he is confident that he can make a good start to his career as a manager by wearing a cut-out of the face of the man who ruled Old Trafford with an iron fist for 26 years, and putting on a Glaswegian accent while yelling incoherently at underperforming players.

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London marathon runner raises £1m for existential angst charity

'will all these happy people please go away'London marathon runner, Nigel Mortimer, is celebrating this morning after raising £1m for the victims of crippling existential angst. Though its existence is disputed by some, existential angst is a debilitating condition that strikes men in their mid-to-late forties.

Sufferers report a variety of symptoms ranging from chronic self-absorption to horror at the futility of existence. Until recently Mortimer had worked as an IT specialist, but was fired from his position after discovering that existential angst is not an acceptable reason to call in sick.

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Schrödinger goal-line technology ‘causing more problems than it solves’

Heisenberg corporation 'gave up'The use of pioneering new quantum goal-line technology developed by the Schrödinger Research Institute in Berlin, which was intended to be the most accurate ever, has resulted in a near infinite level of confusion in the German amateur league where it is being trialled.

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World leaders express concern as Liverpool annex Man Utd

it's for the best in the long runLeaders around the world have resolutely condemned the annexation of Manchester United football club by Liverpool FC despite a hastily held referendum showing 95.5% support among the Man U fans for secession to its more powerful neighbour.

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World’s worst pedestrians gather in Oxford Street for 2014 World Championships

years of training and sacrifice, but mostly sacrificeSpectators and judges have hailed a vintage field of competitors in the World Kamikaze Pedestrian Championships held this weekend in Oxford Street. This pavement classic ranks alongside the Paris Marche de Imbecilite and the New York Jostle n’ Sneer, regularly attracting some of the world’s dumbest and most suicidally inclined pedestrians in breathtaking displays of hazardous and massively inconsiderate streetcraft.

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