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Murray apologises for expressing non-bland opinion

and if he ever goes on Strictly...Tennis star Andy Murray has issued a statement of apology to the British public for any offence he may have caused by saying something that was not a confused jumble of sports-related clichés in a miserable-sounding voice.

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Miliband asks for ten years to fix Manchester United

Time's upIn a bold statement of intent, the Labour Leader Ed Miliband has set out a ten-year plan to reverse the damage done by successive managers at Old Trafford. Whilst many of his critics suggested that a decent centre half and holding midfielder would be sufficient, a Labour spokesman insisted it would take a long-term economic plan to improve results, clone Ryan Giggs and change the word ‘United’ to ‘City’ on the stationery.

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Olympic Games to include shooting fish in a barrel after Pistorius verdict

so there you goAfter the landmark ruling by Judge Thokozile Masipa that the killing of Reeva Steenkamp cannot be declared ‘murder’, the International Olympic Committee is considering proposals to introduce new sports to the next Games. High on the list are ‘hitting a barn door with a banjo’, and ‘shooting fish in a barrel’.

The latter proposal has attracted lucrative sponsorship deals from the NRA, with outline competition criteria already in place. A single dead fish among 500 packed into a 3-foot diameter barrel has been set as the ‘entry-level’ qualification for athletes. Competitors will be allowed at least 4 shots per round, and should be standing really close to the barrel, which must be locked to prevent the fish escaping.

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Manchester United crowds to be banned from looking at scores

"Moyes, Moyyyyess!"In a move designed to avoid discontent among fans and shareholders, Manchester United officials have taken the unprecedented decision to ban tablets, laptops and anything else that might bring about access to the league table from within the hallowed portals Old Trafford.

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1966 World Cup Spectators Association to disband

It's all over. They think it is now!Veteran spectators of England’s only World Cup win are to finally disband as membership dwindles and survivors find it increasingly difficult to travel.

Each summer they have returned to the turf of Wembley Stadium to commemorate the heroes who gave so much for so many, and reminisce about the day that became etched on our collective consciousness for so many decades.

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