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England refuse to win the World Cup in protest

they think it's all over...In a bold statement of principle, the English Football Association has agreed to forego any chance of winning a trophy in order to pressure FIFA into reforming. Despite knowing that any team with Chris Smalling in it is bound to achieve Euro and World glory, the FA has insisted we will turn our back on this ‘dead cert’ unless Qatar relocates to the North Pole, FIFA rejects their Mob accountancy and Sepp Blatter admits he is Keyser Söze.

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FIFA to investigate match fixing during 1914 Christmas Day international

twenty two men and an air-filled BlatterFIFA President Sepp Blatter has announced that the organisation is to launch a ‘root and branch’ investigation into claims that British servicemen were involved in ‘match-fixing’ against Germany, during a hastily arranged international on Christmas Day in 1914.

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Neptune cleared over World Cup bid irregularities

Pluto being lined up for 2026, if the price is rightFIFA announced this morning that their internal inquiry has formally cleared the successful 2022 World Cup bid from the planet Neptune of all corruption charges.

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Murray apologises for expressing non-bland opinion

and if he ever goes on Strictly...Tennis star Andy Murray has issued a statement of apology to the British public for any offence he may have caused by saying something that was not a confused jumble of sports-related clichés in a miserable-sounding voice.

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Miliband asks for ten years to fix Manchester United

Time's upIn a bold statement of intent, the Labour Leader Ed Miliband has set out a ten-year plan to reverse the damage done by successive managers at Old Trafford. Whilst many of his critics suggested that a decent centre half and holding midfielder would be sufficient, a Labour spokesman insisted it would take a long-term economic plan to improve results, clone Ryan Giggs and change the word ‘United’ to ‘City’ on the stationery.

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