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Sturridge in cotton wool collision horror

Liverpool ace Daniel Sturridge has been ruled out of contention for six weeks after a terrifying accident at his home. The injury was sustained when the striker tripped and fell into several giant balls of fluffy cotton wool, which the club use to line the walls of his house following recommendations from leading medical specialists. A team of surgeons was called in to assess the latest damage to Sturridge. They gave him a sicknote to take to Anfield, but unfortunately he sustained paper cuts as he was handing the document over to Liverpool’s new manager Jurgen Klopp.

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‘Extreme poverty’ unlikely to become an Olympic Sport‏

While five new sports, including ‘Sepp Blatter Accounting’, are set to be added to the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, impoverished activities like ‘ultra-privation’ or ‘uber-penury’ are unlikely to make the cut.  In fact, according to the World Bank, participation in ‘extreme poverty’ has fallen below 10%, putting it on par with English rugby as ‘something no one wants to be part of’.

Ministers, having investing a lot of time in not investing in welfare, had hoped a cut to tax credits might inspire a generation of disenfranchised athletes.  However, using the poverty income figure of $1.90 per day, very few Premiership footballers fall into that category.

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Thousands of migrants left stranded on transfer day

Despite the UK’s transfer window proving to be the richest ever, mainland Europe remains swamped with migrants unable to find a Premiership club. While many had hoped to be snapped up by the indiscriminate purchasing power of West Ham FC, most face the prospect of hunger, abuse or possibly playing for Stoke.

More than 160,000 people have arrived in Greece this year, all hoping to secure long term contracts with a Champions League contender. One refugee said: ‘We see Brazilians with a great free-kick fast-tracked through customs, but do they offer a shortage occupation or have an EU passport? I just need food and shelter for my family. To do this I would be happy to be on the subs bench or play in the reserves’.

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Nation forgets its P.E. kit

London Olympic legacySports Minister Tracey Crouch received an unexpected letter from the UK’s ‘Mum’, asking if everyone could be excused from all forms of physical activity due to an ‘indiscriminate lower back pain’.

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No point arguing with you in this mood, FA tells England Lionesses

The Football Association has defended itself over the furore about its allegedly sexist tweet on the return of the England Lionesses team from the Womens’ World Cup. It has accused critics of ‘completely overreacting, as usual’ and declaring that ‘it’s no use arguing with you when you’re in this kind of mood’.

The tweet, which welcomed the Lionesses back as ‘mothers, partners and daughters’, has caused outrage among fans of the team, which enjoyed the most success of any England team in a World Cup since 1966. The FA has responded by deleting the offending message, replacing it with ‘Fine, have it your way… #cantbloodywincanI’ but strongly denied that it is an inherently sexist organisation.

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