NewsBiscuit

Endemic tribal warfare, drought, disease, poverty - they are all major concerns to the 4.7 million people of Somalia, but not compared with the certain knowledge that, even as the tournament starts, the winner of the Mens Singles at Wimbledon will not be a Somali. No Somali has ever qualified since Wimbledon began in 1882.

Ibn Hussain Tariri, chief excecutive of the Lawn Tennis Association of Somalia, is the first to admit that the African nation’s record at tennis’s blue riband is not good. However, he is keen for this to be seen in context.

‘People laugh at us for 127 years of failure at Wimbledon but in all fairness it is only 93,’ he says. ‘It was not until 1916 that the Italian governor general laid out the first court in the country.’

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Organised criminal gangs in South Africa have admitted today that they are at least three months behind schedule in their preparations for the 2010 Football World Cup. The news is a blow to the credibility of the South African government which secured the tournament on a platform of providing unparalleled violence and intimidation to travelling fans, and there are now real fears that some visiting supporters could return home unharmed and still in possession of their wallets.

‘We are committed to delivering a World Cup which will be remembered for its flair, its passion and its high body count,’ said Sports Minister Makhenkesi Stofile today.

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Football fans were treated to an unexpected goalmouth celebration yesterday as a Premiership referee and his linesmen acted out a bizarre celebratory mime after the officials notched up an historic footballing first. ‘It was incredible’ said Mark Halsey as he was handed a bottle of champagne in the post match interview; ‘In fifteen years of officiating I have never ever given a penalty and had the defending team say ‘Yeah, fair enough. Good decision.’ I just lost it, I did a little robot dance, and then the linesmen joined me and we lay on our back and mimed being cockroaches that had just been blasted with insect spray. The players looked a little confused to be honest.’

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FIA, the governing body of Formula 1 motorsport, today announced that starting with tomorrow’s Melbourne Grand Prix there would be new rules to make the races resemble the experience shared by the average motorist. The cars, which cost millions of pounds to develop, and can accelerate to 100mph in less than two seconds will now be forced to negotiate a route which involves speed bumps and contra-flows. Other obstacles on the course will involve lorries pulling out without warning and family saloons towing a four berth caravan.

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Everton manager David Moyes already looks set to win February’s Manager of the Month award following his inspired substitutions at the end of the FA cup replay against Liverpool. With only a couple of minutes of extra time remaining, and his team favourites to lose a penalty shoot-out, Moyes substituted three players and put on a number of television commercials instead. Before anyone quite understood what was happening, Everton had scored the deciding goal.

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