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From midnight tonight, all of your lightbulbs are obselete. New, more efficient and greener bulbs will be available from tomorrow. 'It's the circle of light,' said an industry spokesman. 'Once you only had bayonet fittings bulbs in clear or pearl. Then we invented different wattages. Then it was mushroom fittings. Then it all went to cock. 'It was IKEA's fault. They wouldn't do bayonet fittings, so suddenly half your light fittings needed one of those stupid American screw up

Need some ammunition fast, on a sharp deadline to commit a war crime? Look no further, Amazon can deliver bombs right to your front door or your neighbour's head. Said one UK Minister, 'We've been struggling to export enough death to the Middle East, but thanks to this speedy service, we can now wreck mayhem 24/7. No footsteps. No fingerprints. No awkward conversations within the Hague.' Using the tagline "Set it. Forget it. Briefly regret it", the drones are the ultimate lab

Reports are emerging that crazy extremist Zack Polanski, who has the gall to lead a political party that might do well in yesterday’s elections, once told someone “I’ll just be a minute” but actually took longer. A piece in today’s Timesegraph quotes an unnamed source saying “We were going for a drink after work, and he quite clearly said ‘I’ll just be a minute’. So I waited, but in the event he took more than two minutes - almost three, in fact. ”I’m not in any way a bitter,

In a startling development like something straight from a Jules Verne novel, a team of scientists has entered the bloodstream of Boris Johnson inside a micro submarine, for what many say is a forlorn and doomed mission. Professor Jorge Schmidt of UCL told reporters: 'Using new technology our team was reduced temporarily to microscopic size and is currently searching inside the PM for even the slightest trace levels of integrity or decency.' It's understood the scientists were

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Yes, the May 2026 local and regional elections are done and dusted. And all the party leaders agree that they got great results. Zak Polanski is pleased to have taken the Dingleberry East constituency in North-North Norfolk for the Green Party, and a spokesman provided this statement: ‘This is a council seat that illustrates the importance of delivering green energy without solar farms, turbines, dangerous wave power or nuclear energy. And also of removing the unaffordable

To enter the competition sign up to our Writer's Room - and add your entry here https://newsbiscuit.proboards.com/board/5/caption-competition The closing date will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with t

Faced with a soaring budget deficit over the next two years, the British Broadcasting Corporation is to change its name to the "British Corporation". "In today's climate," said a corporate spokes-vacuum, "making TV and radio programmes is beyond our financial scope. However, we will maintain a fully-funded Director-General's Office and Governors' Board, as well as extravagent personnel, catering and accountancy units. We will be showcasing all that is best about UK corporate

Smooth FM will change its name and move to broadcasting George Michael's Careless Whisper all day long, on a loop. The track has topped a listener poll for the eighth year in a row. A spokesman said, 'Okay, we give up! If that's all you want, then that's fine. There will still be plenty of variety on the radio station, as we have several different advertisers and we will still be using our famous automated AI deejay to introduce the track, give traffic updates, and remind lis

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