Roads out of cities across the Western world are now packed with people desperate to escape the noxious effects of Trump's incessant self-congratulation. "They're seeking anywhere, way up in the hills or out at sea, with no WiFi connection and no TV or radio signals," said an AA spokes-spare tyre, "so they don't have to listen to Trump's nauseating boasts about 'winning on levels never seen before'." "We stuck with the news for as long as we could," said one evacuee on the A3

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Rumours abound that Josef Fritzl, the convicted rapist and Vincent Price lookalike, who fathered seven children by his own daughter, could stand for Reform UK at the next election. A spokesman for Reform told Newsbiscuit, "Mr Fritzl is currently in a prison for ‘mentally abnormal’ inmates, so sounds incredibly well qualified to represent our party in Parliament." "Despite the fact that he is Austrian, it is understood that Fritzl is considering applying for UK citizenship and

"Since the US and Israel started bombing Iran, and Iran closed the Strait of Hormuz to oil traffic," said a spokes-louse for the world's leading energy companies, "we have seen the price of crude increase by 50% and the price of petrol also soar. "Purely by coincidence, this is boosting our revenues to frankly obscene levels. "Our greatest fear now is that peace may break out and Iran will reopen the Strait of Hormuz, thereby replenishing oil supplies, bringing prices back to

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The government is staking its reputation on stopping asylum seekers crossing the channel in small boats. The latest government initiative is to provide asylum seekers with more realistic information about life in Britain, in the hope that this will encourage them to look elsewhere. A spokesman said that negative posts about Britain on social media will act as a huge deterrent. For example, asylum seekers will be told that public housing in Britain is not all it’s cracked up t

Following his father's death, Mojtaba Khamenei - Mojito to his friends - has been forced to abandon his playboy lifestyle to become the new Ayatollah and Supreme Leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran. ”I guess I always knew it couldn’t go on forever,” he said ruefully, speaking on Zoom to a reporter from Condé Nast Traveller from his penthouse in the Palm Jumeirah. “Only last week I was doing lines of coke off a hooker’s ass along with Don Trump junior, Netanyahu’s son and s

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Analysts believe that the situation where a country is being destroyed by another country, with both countries run by religious fanatics, is happening right now, in real time. 'Either the United States is destroying Iran with sheer brute force and technological superiority or Iran is destroying the United States with careful pre-planning and an abundance of not-giving-a-shittery.  We can't tell right now, it could be either,' said an analyst.  'Of course it could be Russia de

President Trump has demanded five billion dollars from Iran 'on account', until the war is over and the final bill can be calculated. A White House official explained. 'Iran has forced the US to incur massive costs in staff, expenses and munitions. All of these costs could have been avoided if Iran had just surrendered unconditionally at the outset. So it's only fair and reasonable that Iran should reimburse all our costs. We can take cash, or oil. Or we could take payment in

Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Dad's Army  remake funded by Jeffrey Epstein." (Sydalg);   "America liberates the Isle of Wight from 'Big England." (Lockjaw).

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A spokesman for the Prime Minister confirmed that as of today 'three Ukrainians have been admitted to the UK on top of the 1.5 million or so taken by Poland.' When pushed the spokesman said the PM thought it outrageous that all three had been admitted, but it turned out one was a potential Tory Party donor, 'so that was alright.' 'We are prepared to provide refuge for oligarchs, billionaires and all potential donors, of course,' added the spokesman, 'but those poor war-torn