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"Kemi is saying I lied to the public in the run-up to the Budget, softening them up for tax rises they didn't really need to pay," whimpered Rachel Reeves, wiping a customary tear from her eye. "But my lie was well within the limits for day-to-day deception that this government has set itself," continued Honest Rach. "For example, I said on my CV that I had worked for 10 years as an economist at the Halifax, when I actually worked in their complaints department. "This year's

Aries Quit grousing - if you had turned right instead of left, all I predicted last month would've come true. Am I to blame for your lousy sense of direction ? Taurus The person you saw across the packed train this morning. They feel the same way too. And they're in the house right now. Gemini A very special oddity will occur this month. One twelfth of the population will not all have precisely the same experience. Cancer You will become famous this month. Your face will be s

"We're warning our emergency services units be on their guard about a caller claiming to be Shergar," said a spokes-jockey for BT. "He's been contacting us from call boxes as far afield as the Grampians, the Brecon Beacons, Dartmoor and Salisbury Plain, asking for someone to come and rescue him. "We've already alerted police to this prank caller." "It's not a prank," whinnied a desperate voice on Newsbiscuit's hot news tips hotline. "Every time I manage to break free from my

Another in the infrequent Reform archive stories, this one is from 26 May, 1940, somewhere on the south coast (where else?) Another day and another wave of Antifa men of fighting age arriving at Dover in small boats, claiming to be fleeing a war zone. That's what they all say. They're being put up in local hotels, some are even being housed in Army accommodation - where does this government get off? As usual there are Europeans in the boats, from France and Belgium, but I've

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The Comments Section is currently closed. Please wend your way to Facebook https://www.facebook.com/NewsBiscuit to enter. The closing date for the competition will be Friday night or when our Editor 'gets their arse into gear'. The winner will be selected in a frustratingly arbitrary and capricious way. The Judge’s verdict is final and has probably been influenced by bribery. Late entries will be late. The winning caption will be posted and preserved on Newsbiscuit, with the

A recent Census report shows a dramatic drop in Christians and a sharp rise soulless ne'er-do-wells. Most of the UK identifies as...

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Supporters of the Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana fronted Your Party have seen their founding conference fall into disarray after claims of a purge due to rules forbidding membership of multiple organisations. As well as members of the Socialist Workers Party having their passes cancelled, the greatest expulsion has been members of the People's Front of Judea, a political organisation with nearly 2000 years of history. Critics say the group has been removed on a technicality

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The year is nearly over and Desky has done it again, in spades. Jeremynh has had a good stab at the virtual crown this month as well. Links to all the subs are, as usual, below the leader board. Cartoon of the month follows, then all the headlines published this month. Front Page, News in Brief and Features billclay Prisoners literally game the system using Monopoly cards Reform Uk to adopt a cell structure for maximum opacity 'Scientists' create an equation for the effecti

In an unexpected legal move, Harry the Bastard has become a co-litigant in the libel case brought by President Trump against the BBC. 'I was libelled good and proper on the Young Ones sitcom in the eighties,' said Harry today.  'The BBC insinuated that I was an employee of Rumbelows and I've always disputed that*.  It never turned a profit and disappeared under Thatcher's watch.  Nothing to do with me.  I've never disputed being a right bastard, but working at a low-end elect

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