Highest seat of public protection in the land, Number 10 Downing Street, issued the following statement with a sigh and a tone of condescending irritation: 'Look, stop shivering and do try your best to listen up over the sound of your rumbling tummies. We are spending outrageous amounts on PR cut-through to ensure that you are all aware of our fabulous never-seen-before plan called Herd Immunity . 'This bold new initiative only appears to be exactly the same as doing absolute

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With the Welsh Sennedd, Scottish Parliament and a myriad number of local elections taking place on May 7th, the question is - which way would dogs vote? The local and national press search out dogs tied to polling station railings up and down the country on election days, mainly as a ruse to get around the ban on photographing individuals who may or may not be voting. Couple that with the blanket ban on reporting on political parties who may, or may not, be standing in the e

In a world of genocide, wars and another Minecraft Movie, the Met Gala continues to raise morale by having celebrities dress like Byzantine courtesans or people who like to cosplay as Liberace drunk. Not since the last days of Rome or the Ancien Régime, have we seen this many people in need of a guillotine. Said one homeless veteran, 'It helps to put my missing limbs into context, seeing Beyoncé dressed as skeleton in a giant feathered cape. I didn't know how lucky I was unti

Number Ten has issued a warning message to all removal companies. Firms are warned that many Labour MPs are trying to wind up the PM by placing bogus bookings with removal companies to move him out of Downing Street. An official sighed, 'We are getting two or three calls a week. The political mood is febrile and some MPs think it's really hilarious to book removal firms for Keir. So we are warning all removal firms about this childish stuff. 'For clarity, there is a short lis

News has leaked of a new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, said to be already in production, which promises to expose the insecurities and precariousness of 21st century work in the theatre industry. Whilst details are sketchy at this stage, the new musical is thought to focus on the story of a group of lead and ensemble actors, and hundreds of back stage and support workers, who find out that a hit musical they were involved in is set to end very unexpectedly, and that they have

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An investigation has confirmed that Green Party leader Zack Polanski is not, in fact, a human being but a sentient, highly ambitious Savoy cabbage masquerading as a politician. The probe, which involved a reporter disguised as a bottle of organic seaweed fertiliser, found that "Polanski" is the figurehead for a secret cabal of root vegetables aiming to overthrow the UK government and establish a Vegetarian Socialist State. The Cult of the Cabbage The investigation found that

The world of policing has been turned upside down and the people of London will sleep much safer in their beds after the announcement of Sir Mark Rowley's replacement as Head of the Metropolitan Police. "Sheriff J.W. Pepper is not everyone's first choice," said a spokesperson for the Mayor of London, Sir Sadiq Kahn. "But we feel that he has the skills, experience and know-how to make London safe once more." Coming from small town Louisiana, Sheriff Pepper doesn't have a prove

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Donald Trump enthrals as a swaggering but gormless world leader who throws his weight around across the globe, making everything worse. After imposing ruinous tariffs - which he is then forced to cancel - and after splurging $50bn on a war with Iran which leaves it stronger than before, our deluded hero momentarily realises what an oaf he is and considers resigning. "Yes!" cry the movie's director, producer, camera operator, sound recordist, lighting engineer and focus puller