Minister David Willetts was pleased to announce a third for-profit institution has been granted the title of university. The School of Hard Knocks has a reputation for low fees, a broad curriculum, and high mortality rates. Their courses will ‘inspire the young’, ‘cull the weak’ and have significantly ‘lower over-heads’ than any undergraduate course in biochemistry.
Speculation is rife that the BBC may create a new rolling conjecture channel that gathers together experts in every subject, places them all in one room and forces them to argue endlessly about what will happen next.
The new channel is likely to be based in London, or perhaps Salford, or Swansea, or maybe somewhere else entirely, with an estimated cost of tens of millions, or more, or possibly less. Experts remain divided on the value of a channel dedicated entirely to idle speculation. ‘There is already far too much empty and useless conjecture based on nothing more than personal opinion,’ said one.
‘No there isn’t,’ said another.
Britain’s biggest spy agency, GCHQ, said it was addressing the commercial concerns of 21st Century espionage with the introduction of a new paywall. ‘The move heralds a brave new world of electronic surveillance,’ claimed Foreign Secretary William Hague. ‘Now, for just £100 million you get complete access to everything we know.’
According to their adverts, the new service offers, ‘the very latest premier league wire taps, clandestine ops and, of course, every text, email and phone call that anyone ever makes. All sent direct to your own phone, tablet or home computer. No need to tell us your details. We already know.’
‘This would shorten journey times between London and Birmingham by the same amount as HS2, but would also have the added benefit of reducing the length of the M40, delivering a significant boost to the road haulage industry.’