A man, whose name has been withheld to spare him public humiliation has been detained for psychiatric reports after arriving unannounced with his wife and two children at Alton Towers and attempting to pay full price for a family ticket.
‘We have discovered a single man claiming housing benefit for a property that appears to have an infinite number of spare rooms,’ said Benefits Officer Kimberley Smalls. ‘He is therefore liable for the most severe under-occupancy penalty.’
The decision means the Doctor faces significant cuts to his housing benefit and he may be forced to leave the TARDIS and move to a one-bedroom flat in Neasden.
The spot check by housing benefit officers found that the Doctor has far more ‘spare rooms’ in his 1960s police box than was previously thought. These include a sick bay, an observatory, a library, a secondary control room, several squash courts, an ancillary power station, a swimming pool and an attic.
Scientists working at Kensington Palace have announced the mating window of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge has closed after the pair failed to conceive, despite several romantic encounters in a specially constructed royal ‘love tunnel’.
All those who purchased a house in the late 1990s are ‘still smug’, according to a survey carried out by Halifax this week. The famous house price boom, which saw the value of many properties explode by 60% in a few short years, left many people in an enviable financial position, and most have now confirmed that they ‘definitely knew exactly what they were doing’.
Claymation character Morph, popularised by the children’s TV art show Take Hart, was today embroiled in a row over racism on the BBC. Though his words are commonly thought of as unintelligible babble, many are now accusing him of spewing an unbroken stream of racist expletives from the 1970s to the present.