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UK-Biscuit

Gaviscon heartburn firemen call 24 hour strike

Britain is facing a heartburn epidemic after stomach-based firemen called a 24 hour stoppage. The pint-sized firefighters, employed by Gaviscon, walked out in sympathy with public sector firemen yesterday, leaving alimentary canals across Britain seriously undermanned.

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Tour de France latest: Yorkshire folk ‘adopting French ways’

Vive les rosbifs!The population of Yorkshire has really taken the Tour de France to heart and is beginning to adopt French mannerisms and tastes as a result, according to reports coming in from ‘God’s own County’.

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Airfix criticised for not including any aircraft with scale model of HMS Queen Elizabeth

mustn't grumbleUpset parents have been calling for a boycott of Airfix after their new 1:350 scale, self-assembly model of the Royal Navy’s HMS Queen Elizabeth was launched without any tiny replica aircraft in the box.

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Father admits he didn’t actually spend summer outdoors

preferred staying in watching Muffin the MuleUnder pressure from his ten-year-old son Jacob, Bromsgrove insurance claims adjuster Roger Wyatt has admitted that he didn’t actually spend his formative summer holidays playing with sticks and fording rivers.

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Woman refuses to give birth in Primark

not even the 50% off signs could tempt her inDespite being wracked with labour pains and hobbled by a small head erupting from her vagina, an unnamed 28-year-old woman from Birmingham has been hailed as a hero for resolutely refusing to be lulled by Primark’s promise of cut-price designer wear and give birth in the shop.

As her waters broke, her cervix dilated and her 25%-off voucher expired, the woman dragged herself away from the lure of a sale on floral dresses. Groaning as her membranes ruptured, every maternal instinct made her abandon a rail of bargain kids’ clothing in the hope that her child would be born to a better future, with better stitching.

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