Benjamin Netanyahu and Hamas leader Khaled Mashal last night announced a lasting settlement to the Israeli-Palestine conflict following a night of negotiations over eight pints of Fosters in the Lamb and Flag pub, Walthamstow.
‘The annual spring uprising has become an international event,’ said Lars Hofmeister, head of UN peacekeeping operations. ‘The list of applicants this year was likely to be longer than ever,’ he said, ‘with around 30 to 40 nations all bidding for the right to hold a destabilising and potentially violent revolution to cause problems for or even overthrow an existing government.
Donna Onions, a 24 year old medical student from Edinburgh, thinks she may have picked up the North Korean dictator while backpacking in East Asia. ‘At first I thought the blockage was just an annoying little blood clot caused by the long flight,’ she said, ‘or maybe a thrombosis caused by a motorcycle accident I had in Penang. But then the doctors took another look and that’s when I got quite a nasty shock.’