As the US presidential election campaign enters its last days, pollsters say the result is still on a knife-edge. Whilst flag worship remains an issue for some, the electorate is split almost evenly over the crucial question or whether or not the right of people with the same number of penises or vaginas as each other to make their relationship official is any of their fucking business.
Following emergency talks with the inventor Sir James Dyson, the Canadian government has announced an ambitious plan to resist superstorm Sandy entering the country by using Dyson Airblade hand-dryers to blow it back towards the US.
Missing food clown Ronald McDonald has finally been discovered, living a sick double-life in Bangkok. Thai police confirmed they’d arrested a 45 year-old with a fake Scottish passport, after a disturbance at an adult cinema. According to reports, the fugitive appeared dishevelled and stained with special sauce, and had refused to leave after propositioning a female member of staff to give him a ‘McShake’.