Prime Minister David Cameron has sent a stark warning to the Russian ambassador to London, saying that any military intervention in the Ukraine would be in serious breach of international law, could escalate tensions and would blatantly ‘pinch our idea!’. This sentiment was echoed by the Whitehouse, who claimed that ‘sticking their nose where it doesn’t belong’ is as American as ‘apple pie’, ‘type one diabetes’ and ‘high school massacres’.
Branch salesperson Greg Mottram said ‘I turned up this morning and there was no sign of Debbie, the regular manager, just this Yanukovich bloke. when I asked where Debbie was, I was told she’d been sent into ‘internal exile’. When I asked where to, I was told Rochdale which, you know, is a bit harsh.’
There was delight around the world as Russia put on an impressive affirmation of its commitment to the rights of individuals and the promotion of homosexuality. The festival was launched with a glittering show featuring galloping white horses, flying Cossacks and shirtless bodybuilders performing ironmongery.
Italian football fans were delighted to see an audacious extradition offer being made for the American ‘off-the-shoulder striker’. The transfer deal is said to eclipse the $4m paid for Ms. Knox’s memoirs, although it is still subject to a full medical, confession and DNA swab.
‘Whether your name is Schmidt, Weiss, Kruft, Jaeger or Heinemann you may be in particular danger,’ said safety official, Klaus Von Gruber at a press conference in the resort of St Moritz today. ‘As a precaution we are urging you to keep away from the Alps or other snow-capped regions around the world.’