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Spiders Say Pressure to be Photogenic in Autumn is Oppressive



Spiders have today complained of the unrealistic pressures put on them at this time of year to appear photogenic and a bit spooky. They claim they are being exploited as a pictorial shorthand for autumn. European garden spider Janet Spinner told us that keeping all eight of your legs looking adequately hairy and your abdomen an attractive shade of brown is exhausting.

Janet goes on to complain "You just pop to the middle of your web to wrap a fly in silk to let it mature for later and flash, you’ve been captured with your bum in the air and a look of intense concentration on your face. What with not having eyelids to cover your eight eyes it’s a right pain when you’re constantly alert for some lolloping human pointing a camera at you. Once Halloween is over we breathe a sigh of relief. Spiders don’t owe you spooky you know."




First published 10 Oct 2021


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Conservatives to offer internships as Prime Minister


'We got the idea from "Have I Got News For You?" ' said a spokesman. 'When Angus Deayton had to leave because of the, erm, cocaine allegations, they brought in guest presenters. We’ve been doing the same with our Prime Ministers.'


The Conservative Party’s plan is to allow the children of wealthy donors to each do a week as "Intern PM" .


'Oh, they’d run the country, much as Liz is doing now,' said the spokesman. 'It will look good on their CVs and the chances are the pound might rally a bit.'


Keir Starmer described the idea as ‘interesting’ and asked if there would be an age limit.



First published 9 Oct 2022


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Random story generator deployed at The Sun



It has long been suspected that articles at tabloid papers have been cobbled together by interns with a drink problem. But the reality is far worse.


Anonymous sources have received a copy of a crib sheet that sub-editors can use to churn out stories on demand by simply highlighting options with a yellow marker pen. You too can become a Sun journalist for a day. Here is the current crib sheet for Tuesdays:


A three bedroom house in [Powys / Nottingham / Middlesborough] could be bought for a little as [£32000 / £33000 / £34000] – but there’s a chilling secret.


Its close proximity to [a rubbish dump / foreign undesirables / outside privy] means [there are more rats than cats / the air is filled with the smell of bad food / the garden is full of shit].


[Stacey Simpson / Keeley Stevens / Olivia Hardwick], 29, condemned prospective purchasers by setting their ambitions too low. The [hairdresser / TikTok influencer / nail bar assistant] from Harpenden managed to pay off her £450,000 mortgage two years ago by working [three jobs / as a Cam Girl / the streets], and has little respect for scroungers who want to slum it at the bottom end of the housing market. Boyfriend and window fitter Darren agrees and says “I’d rather vote Labour than live in a shit-hole like that. These people need to find some [self-respect / old dear to fleece / mastic] and start voting for Boris.”


We asked former editor Kelvin McKenzie to comment on the crib sheet, but he simply referred us to Carol Vorderman who [sent us a smouldering selfie / revealed her plunging cleavage / delights her fans with her amazing youthful figure] and told us to behave and watch out for her every Friday.



Author: Landfill


First published 8 Oct 2021


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