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A burglar in Hull has admitted that he broke the law when robbing a local household, and now thinks that he can sail away with it if he offers his victims a small fraction of the loot back, it has emerged. "I hold my hands up" said Peter Pebbledash, when police pointed a gun at him, "I chose not to consult the householders beforehand, as there is no way they would have agreed to me entering their home, ripping their TV off the wall, and making off with it plus sundry items of

'I've been holding talks with a high level Iranian, the very highest," Donald Trump told worried-looking reporters on the South Lawn of the White House. 'I call him Kebab. He agrees with everything I say, so we'll have a peace deal soon with Iran handing over all its oil and its nuclear fuel and letting me build a casino on the Persian Gulf. 'I'll be calling it the Trump Hormuz, in honour of my great victory there." Iran has said that in the real world no member of its govern

Despite the kettle BBQ being buried under boxes of so-called-sorting-out in the garage, a lack of briquettes and Dave's failure to pick any suitable food for cooking, the first BBQ of the year was declared a success. 'Sure we had to scavenge suitable combustible material from the shed next door - which is always left open, so it won't be missed when my neighbour returns from his Mediterranean break, or deployment as he insists on calling it. And kindling was salvaged by open

The estate agent handling the sale said: 'It's quite a niche market, most buyers don't need that many dungeons. It would certainly work as an evil lair, as you could easily convert the 'pleasure pit' into a shark tank. 'We did have some interest from a Royal buyer, but he was £12m short. Bill Clinton and Bill Gates both made inquiries, but that was to make sure they had left no fingerprints. 'It's got fascinating history and an even more interesting FBI file. But we do advise

Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu apologised today for the destruction of four ambulances in north London. The ambulances belonged to Hatzolah, a voluntary organisation that provides healthcare services for the local Jewish community. Unfortunately, it’s thought the IDF’s intelligence division confused them with Hezbollah. Netanyahu has apologised for the mistake, though he also pointed out that by the standards of IDF precision strikes, hitting London instead of Leba

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A man is claiming that the objective of clearing out the garage has now been achieved, even though he has in fact created a dreadful mess that could take years or even decades to clear up. Mr Donald T Rump of Basingstoke decided unilaterally to tackle what he perceived as a build-up of potentially hazardous garden chemicals and lubricants on the shelves of his garage by tipping them all into the drains. Unsurprisingly to everyone except Mr Rump, this has caused a huge probl

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Winner: Rob Falconer Runners-Up: "Team of linguists work to translate Trump speech into English." (APepper); "Eight accountancy students discuss how best to split the bill in Nando's." (Midfield Diamond).

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DT: Send ground troops now. I'm not using US forces as they're too valuable. But you stupid Brits are expendable. Do it now or I'l be rude about you again, wimp. KS: Now look here... DT: I said now. Are you stupid? Now means now. KS: Can I just... DT: No you can't. Send minesweepers. S end what's left of your navy. Send sub-postmasters. Whatever. And hurry up. And tell NATO to send troops too. Dipshit. KS: We want peace... DT: We all want peace prizes, Quier. You ain't

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