Britain's only supersonic rail journey, taking commuters from Manchester to London Euston in under 10 minutes, has been cancelled by the Office of the Rail Regulator in next year's timetable changes. The imaginary service, operated by 13-year-old Gavin Spectacles from Crewe on his Hornby OO-gauge train set, was axed after repeated pleas from his mum. "He should be playing football across the road in the Rec instead of sitting in the attic watching them things go round and rou

In a sequel no one asked for, Trump seized a Venezuelan tanker laden with doubloons. Like Captain Jack Sparrow, but less coherent, the President promised booty for his allies and booty-calls for his interns. To be a true pirate, Mr.Trump should technically take his prize to a secret island filled with illegal activity. But, sadly, his friend Jeffrey is dead. Instead, he'll have to smuggle the stolen oil to the US - just like all his predecessors. One Venezuelan ranted: 'Yo

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hat tip to hokeyloki

We deeply regret the totally unsustainable way we used to cut up and dispose of the bodies of thse we have secretly murdered,’ said Usman...

Christmas Card Report issued by NewsBiscuit for today, Sunday 14th December, at 1000. Glitter: pleasantly declining, good, but outlook remains unclear. Animals: Robins 5, Kingfisher 1, Highland Cattle 8 Incorrect Addresses : 1 Who's that one  from? 1, Hungary, no postmark, solved, good. Self-made: 2, show offs, rising. Image credit: perchance.org

The Island Nation, who wished to remain anonymous, talked candidly about their unbalanced relationship with a high profile country. 'You have to be really careful, they do demand compliments all the time, and you can’t say anything that would upset them. They need to be in charge constantly and consider themselves to be super powerful. They encouraged me to break contact with my local group, I do think there is an element of coercive control, but I still think they can chan

Aussie kids under 16 aren't allowed on social media any more. And Australia is suffering the consequences. 'There is more graffiti, says Sydney Duff, of Melbourne City Council. 'And more antisocial behaviour . Kids pestering koalas, and roos, and drop bears, that sort of thing. Mel Duff, no relation, of Sydney City Council, agreed. 'Littering is up, chewing gum on sidewalks is up, and four penguins are missing from Taronga Zoo.' The city police commissioner could also see

December 2024 In December 2024 everything happened to a backing track of Christmas carols, making them seem ever-so-slightly less awful. In the UK, there was another Andrew-formerly-known-as-Prince controversy. This one was about his links with a Chinese spy. But can you list all the Andrew controversies since then? Thought not. The government offered health workers a measly pay increase, compensated LGBT service personnel, but decided (at the time) not to compensate the

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It’s that time of the year again, when Britain’s men recapture their untamed spirit through the application of aromatic placebos. Barry...

This handy guide will help you to work out Who's in charge now? It explains the current order of presidential order of succession, if something were to happen: • Vice President – Easily manipulated Tech Bro Yes man • Speaker of the House - Easily manipulated religious weirdo • President Pro Tempore of the Senate – A 92-year-old man* • Secretary of State – Sycophantic loser who can’t look in the mirror • Secretary of the Treasury - Sycophantic loser who loves looking in the

Dear happy commuters and supersaver ticket holders, We in the Labour government are thrilled to unveil the exciting new name for Britain's renationalised train company. We'll be calling it Gordon Bennett Railways, because this mild expletive is what you're most likely to be muttering while on board, as in: 'Gordon Bennett, this train's fuller than a can of sardines.' 'Gordon Bennett, we've been waiting in this cutting outside Crewe for a sodding age.' And: 'Gordon Bennett, t