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Large chimney demolished without being made into cheap joke at the end of the news


A 600ft chimney at the former Longannet power station has been demolished and filmed collapsing, without being shown at the end of the news in reverse, as if it blew up and then magically re-assembled again.


There was once a long tradition of this visual joke at the end of the British news, where a chimney or tall building is demolished, and then immediately shown to re-form, as if it never had been blown up in the first place. In the days before the Internet, when Britain was largely powered by small dogs and the tears of the oppressed, people used to find it hugely funny watching buildings collapse and then re-form. Back then, of course, there was only 2 channels, BBC1, which showed programmes about tea cups, and BBC2, which just showed a man with a beard. Millions would tune in just to watch someone falling over in a pub, then doing it in reverse.


With the advent of Google, reverse demolishions fell out of favour. Now a whole new generation prefers to watch dogs on skateboards and that idiot who tries to knock down a chimney with a hammer only to have to fall a bit, then keep standing, so he has to start all over again.


Members of "Demolish It Backwards Now And Hurry!" (D.I.B.N.A.H) are demanding we bring back the tradition but no one listens to them so it doesn't matter.






Espionage novelists shred two years of work

Updated: Feb 10, 2022


Two novelists hoping to step into John le Carré's boots, have today shredded the pages upon pages of text they laboriously typed, read again to check for typos, then re-wrote again and again to perfect the prose. They now spend their days in the Fox and Hounds, lamenting how each of them had been working on plots that involved the potential of the British government being brought down by foreign countries, only to discover the British government would bring itself down from within.

One of the authors, Joe Sykes, drained the last of his pint of Old and Filthy before telling our reporter with a sigh, 'I was sure I had a winner. Putin would be setting up a honey trap that Johnson would find irresistible. I spent ages doing the research, chatting to high class prostitutes, visited goodness knows how many sex shops to check out the types of bondage gear they flog.


'I searched to see whether a death certificate had actually been issued for George Smiley and nearly got nicked for hanging round the school gates in my quest for a description of the girl at the centre of the honey trap.


'I realised this week how fruitless it all was. There's no way Putin would waste his time trying to destroy the British Prime Minister's career, when the PM is such an idiot he'd do it himself before Putin had found the ideal agent to trap Johnson.'

'Can you lend me a fiver for another pint until my benefits hit the account next week?" he went on to ask our reporter.






First woman to reach adulthood without committing crime says it's all thanks to Doctor Who



A major milestone was reached yesterday as Annie Briggs from Stevenage became the first woman in history to reach adulthood without committing a single crime. She believes that growing up with a female lead in the only show on television was key to keeping her on the straight and narrow. 'I'm very proud to have achieved this milestone for women,' Briggs said at a special press conference, 'and I owe it all to Jodie Whittaker for playing Doctor Who on TV. Before that, we thought that the moral principles of a fictional time lord could only apply to men, so I might as well just go and kill someone, but now thanks to Jodie we know it's actually women they apply to exclusively.' The news provides a much needed positive boost as society continues to struggle with the sudden onslaught of roaming gangs of young men who, bereft of male role models on television, have taken to the streets looting, murdering and making ritual sacrifices to the Kray twins.






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