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Tory Conference renamed ‘Gnashville’ after epidemic of tooth-gnashing over party future.


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‘We’re tearing ourselves apart over which issues to tear ourselves apart over’ wailed one Conservative Conference delegate, as she queued for dental attention at the party’s first ever Anti-gnashing unit. There are so many hills to die on, it’s an uphill struggle to decide which to start climbing. We’re in the teeth of a crisis, and we can’t stop chewing’.



A team of emergency dentists (none of them taking NHS patients) was at hand at this year’s conference where vexed gnashing has assumed epidemic proportions. They gave out gum shields, paracetamol and laxative chewing gum. The lattermost is designed to relieve gnashing symptoms while helping constipated Conservatives (Constipervatives) faced with a bleak political future to shit themselves without rectum or gum damage.




Tories 'didn’t know there was anywhere north of Birmingham'


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A Tory spokesman revealed today that the shortfall in funding for HS2 was the result of party strategists not really believing there was anywhere north of Birmingham.


Asked how he even knew about Birmingham, Sir Crispin Labrador explained that his family estate is in Worcestershire, and it’s “really quite civilised, all things considered. Of course, the staff tend to speak in a funny way, but you can beat it out of them after a while.”


”But Manchester, Liverpool, Newcastle and so on? I always assumed they were just a Swiftian satire, like Lilliput or Brobdingnag - essentially the writer is saying ‘Just imagine if these absurd places existed’ for comic effect.”


”It was quite a shock to find out they’re real places, though it does explain some of the odd creatures one sees on the Labour benches. They always seem so cross about something, if only one could understand what they were saying.”


Despite this admission that the north of England is real, Sir Crispin said he doubted the wisdom of a railway connecting it to civilisation.


”It’s all too easy to be sentimental about primitive peoples, but have you stopped to consider the damage to their culture if they encountered the modern world too quickly, without proper safeguards? Things like fruit and vegetables need to be introduced to them gradually, before moving onto more complex things like the importance of not overchilling a white Burgundy.”




Tories: 'People smuggling gangs are a small business success story'


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Despite not quite getting off the fence his arse is apparently embedded on, Keir Starmer has irked the professionally furious by suggesting that the Government go after criminal smuggling gangs more than the small boats they put refugees in.


Tory tabloid cheerleader Clementine Carruthers – whose email signature includes the phrase "Keir Starmer: WOKE lefty lawyer, ENEMY of the people" – salivated 'How DARE he suggest the government goes after criminal gangs? Why target small business owners who are just trying to make a profit from human misery?'


'Unseaworthy small boats actually make for a better business model. Then the refugees need rescuing and it’s easier to deport them. That in turn generates the possibility of repeat trafficking business - and we Tories are pro-business, plus we need the non-existent boogeyman to whip up a racist frenzy come election time.'


People smuggler Gary Grimthwaite added 'Death, famine, war and conquest are all up, so business is good. Now, I do understand that it's important for Rishi Sunak to be seen to be doing something. However, we'd far rather he picked on the leaky dinghies we lease to our customers and not us. So, speaking as someone who literally trades in amorality and the desperation of those seeking a better life, I'll be donating to the Tories. Probably best they don't declare exactly where this money came from, eh lads?'


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