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Conservatives 'totally forgot' they were Conservatives


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80% of MPs serving the Conservative party (and, of course, themselves) have failed to mention in their online profiles and hand-delivered literature that they are members of the Conservative party. 


'Somehow while drafting the new blurb, showing what a good man with numbers I am,' said an MP who until recently was Chancellor of the Exchequer, amongst many others, pointing out he had distinguished his career by avoiding paying taxes at the same time as being responsible for collecting them, 'that I totally forgot to mention I work for the nasty party. 


'Somehow my background colour turned to green as well,' he added, 'oops'.



It's understood most of the MPs who have forgotten to mention their party allegiance will revert to mentioning it sometime after the next General Election, although most privately concede the phrase 'former MP' might well feature more prominently.


Human rights are for nerds say Tories


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The European Court of Human Rights is a left-wing conspiracy, blocking every righteous Englishman’s view of the sunlit uplands. That’s the view of the Why Don’t You Go Back To Your Own Country Secretary, Suella Braverman.


When it was pointed out that the ECHR is not connected to the EU, leave voter Gary Grimthwaite turned puce with ill-defined rage and exploded ‘It has the word “European” in it! That makes me physically sick. This Government must leave the ECHR – make us more like Russia and Belarus. Take away our basic human rights, so that it’s easier to sink the boats! After all, I’d be able to protest about it, without getting kettled, arrested, detained without trial, tortured and my corpse buried where no one will ever find it.’


‘Human rights are for nerds and I’m not a nerd.’




Impartial Ian Botham brought in to host Match Of The Day


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Integrity. Back bone. Balance. Just some of the things which have gone missing at the BBC.


Impartial Tory Party donors running Perverted Uncle Beeb have hit back just the once, not unlike Stanley Johnson. 'All BBC staff must remain completely impartial. The viewing public must be reassured that there is no political bias in anything they say or do. Employees should take a leaf out of Alan Sugar's toilet roll. Or the late, great Conservative campaigner Jimmy Savile.


'We have ourselves taken the only right decision, benching Gary Lineker for his disgraceful lefty liberal wokerati pinko bitch imbalance. It is not the job of anyone at the BBC to criticise this government. To that end, the very impartial Ian Botham will be brought in to host Match Of The Day this weekend. Ultimately, we think that the completely impartial Andrew Neil is the right man for the job. The show will be renamed Thatch Of The Day. And that's nothing to do with his hair.


'Ultimate bastion of impartiality, Nigel Farage will host Playschool, and the always balanced Jacob Rees-Mogg will do the news.'


Other Match Of The Day presenters have stood in solidarity with Gary Lineker, walking off the show. A colleague with more bias towards Newcastle than Lineker has towards crisps said, 'The only mistake Gary made was comparing government policy to Germany in the 1930s. He should have compared it to Russia in the 2020s.'



If you have been affected by any of the issues in this article, please contact NewsBiscuit and we will give all of you at the BBC your own voice to speak out against the tyranny of your far-right overlords.




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